End of days.. of sorts.
My last day before what i hope will be a positive change.. how do i feel? I've been pretty fine previously, when ppl asked how I felt, whether I was nervous, worried.. usu, I'd reply tht I never even thought abt it.. while at dinner tonite, i sat and tot abt it.. and I actually think I'll miss talking to ppl the most.. shut out in SGH for a week, then thereafter, I'll be unable to converse with anyone save for guttural sounds - for abt 3 weeks mebbe? When I finally find my tongue, it mite have rotted out.. haha
An average person cannot go without speaking for 2 mins. I'll be incapable of speech for abt 3 weeks.. how abt that. Thank god for the net.
Anyway, I stand on the verge of change. I look out at what lies before me, and I see both good and bad. But the urge to move towards the horizon is so strong, i dun think it'll matter anymore. i'll just jump first, and see how long I'll take to hit the ground. so long as there's substantial impact.
The biggest fear is that what I've lived these past few days/ weeks really were my last days (for if the op goes awry - possibility is there in ANY op). I guess despite me wanting to do more, what I've attained to this point, is still smtg that I'm proud of.. should i not get out of this, well.. u've been instrumental in all that's happened. I'm just glad that all this had come to be this way. =)
So in any case.. again, I stand at the edge of change. Looking out to the horizon in front of me, I raise my arms up as if to implore to the sun. "Bring it on.."

just knowing the truth would not suffice. it had to be reinforced today, as if to taunt me.. weekends were only for one, and i saw u today, tho i doubt u did the same. could u not just leave me be? its all a huge joke, and we all noe who the punchline is. thks for not laughing all the same.

The Planing Principle

In Kendo, there is the following teaching: Dai-Kyo-Soku-Kei (largeness, firmness, speed, alacrity). These are the qualities to aspire to for physical perfection, though it would be very difficult to grasp all four at the beginning of training. First, one's efforts should be concentrated upon achieving the first two, i.e, Dai and Kyo; and with progress in Shugyo go on to acquire the final two, i.e., Soku and Kei.

...there is a natural progress of stages. By taking each one step at a time, one eventually reaches the desired destination; this after all is the only shortcut. Any attempt to rush through this process, in the main, gives rise to doubtful results, and more often than not, entry into the inner sanctuary of Michi becomes impossible.

~From The Kendo Reader, by Noma Hisashi

Interesting how this principle is rooted in the first 2 qualities first THEN speed.. and alacrity?? eagerness & speed? hmm..

the truth, it seemed, was already known by everyone. Everyone had assumed he knew. No one thought tht mebbe he had no inkling of wat actually did happen. They prolly already had formed opinions, comments and looked at him pitifully. And he knew nothing. Perhaps he didn't want to noe. Deluding himself from the truth that did not fit with the concepts in his head, the shock slowly overwhelmed him. Flashes of previous mentions, flashes of the past, dropped hints, condescending looks, knowing looks. They crept up from behind his neck, filled his forehead, turned his ears red, and made his eyes feel enlarged and as tho they were abt to pop from their sockets.. realisation could not be easily stomached. he festered and seethed. release would not come, only the truth existed finally.

dislodge your hold over me. how did u ever become so deeply ingrained into my consciousness? where is the antidote that we absently seek in order to absolve each other? prolonged avoidance has been proven to be a failure. nothing else is able to satiate this thirst i have. besides, its u alone whom i think abt constantly. and when i finally break and give in for a taste, it reaffirms what i noe deep inside me. coke is it.

shiok.. farewell lunch.. peking traditional noodle place.. nice.. all the dumplings available. being anemic, 1.5 mugs of Tiger was NOT good for me..
That however, was followed up with a bottle of wine between the 4 of us @ Broth.. shite.. at 1pm today, my head was swimming!! +P
I was just glad Alex n Rob paid.
summary of lunch today.

The name of the game is Petals Around the Rose. The name of the game is important..

Petals Around the Rose has developed a feeling of success and power in people and a positive view of problem solving. Try it!

Thks to Wenz who took a couple of hours solving it - let it be known that she IS highly intelligent since "higher level thinkers have a harder time trying to solve it".

This one's for you..

What do you call a hand-job given by an individual of a proud mythical race of tall, slender, beautific, tree-dwelling, pointy-eared ppl?

Inspired by the Nazgul


wish i could sprout wings and fly, awfully horrible dragon-type wings with the widest wingspans.. that could fill my entire room when unfurled.
I'll be like the dark knight.. hanging arnd on edges of tall buildings like a perched gargoyle, watching the city below.
and then diving off the ledge... and swooping up by just spreading my leathery wings..

"Dun forget to get your twangers out, and play with your balls."
~ the Rainbow show (old 70s show that I used to watch as a kid..)
The infamous script, now on video!
Check out this link.

the shortest night ever.
Left the office just before 7, I'd skipped training (despite having lugged both bogu n shinai to work), had dinner at home, read a bit of HP, promptly fell asleep.
All this before 8:30pm. Amazing.
still staving off a full blown cold with loads of water-drinking, still lethargic since mon, nothing much has changed.
all that is in my head now, i can but sigh.. being the non-expressive and emotional sort, its the only thing tht works.

No matter how many times we cast it aside, how far we fling it, in spite of the resolutions we make - how easily do we fall back to our greatest obsessions.
a solitary finger beckoning to us. or a soft sigh. or a smile. or just a simple word (it needn’t even be kind). That's all it takes. Slaves to the grind, our mistakes will ever haunt us. Penance can never completely save us.
If there be a halo'd winged angel from heaven, let her now come to earth. May her healing salve expel this festering morass of iniquity and allow us to feel once again.

Let the blood-letting begin..
man.. 2nd time in my life giving blood EVER. I still laugh like a crazed hyena during the entire process. This would be one of the rare occasions where I'm so bloody nervous that I just keep laughing.. before it begins, while the needles are going in, while my blood is flowing, and while the needle's coming out even! only when nothing abnormal is happening do I start returning to normal behaviour. I did warn the senior nurse that I would laugh.. and when another patient was waiting outside for me to be done, I asked the nurse again if I was scaring her off.. gee.. blood-letting.. definitely not a favourite past-time of mine.

low low low.. low low.. low.
There has to be more to it than just hard training. Consistent as I am, or have tried to be, I dun seem to be improving. This slump that I've been in has cast a shroud over my kendo. I'm dying to burst frm it rite now. I look fwd to training quite a bit - I want to get into a scrap with someone, I yearn for that triumphant feeling yet again. Tis the feeling that one can never achieve from just getting a simple cut, or a point off no one in particular, but its the cut that you had to negotiate and create from overwhelming odds, and catch your opponent off guard - the kind that leaves them slack jawed or beaming.
Perhaps I'm just looking for recognition, but I do love that feeling. To me, it signifies the culmination of much training and honing. The search for the perfect cut. The perfect kill.

Despite every senior that I've sparred with telling me the same thing over n over again, I seem not to have dwelled on the problem deep enuff to correct it. It used to be so simple to change - just practice it and keep it in mind in your next few fights - and before u noe it, problem's been fixed. I DO focus on it, I DO practice the proper method, but its just not changing. What else do I have to do? I've been in a slump for way too long. Where's the oft-mentioned peak at the end of the low?
Lately, I feel as tho I've been slacking from Kendo.. it seems as tho I've regressed back to the earlier days of WKC training where I would skive and disappear for choir (which I really did have then!) Now that I've quit, other problems seem to have surfaced - that bloody bike accident (it didn't hold me back frm training, i was there the subsequent 2 days! but i couldn't fight properly la), the subsequent trainings where I took it easy cos of the knee and shoulder probs, and today - having donated 1 pint of blood - bloody anemic. Next mon's gonna be the same, and then its gonna be 1-2 months of a total absence from training completely. SIGH. I dun think the senseis will understand - all they'll say when I return is "DUX! long time no see.." and in that sentence, so much is implied.. (if u didn't get it by now - bad stuff is implied)

Looking forward - there's much to hope for and aim for. Sure, its just gonna be 2 months, I've got my whole life ahead after that right? What with travelling and work in the horizon.. I dunno how its all gonna turn up. Talk abt priorities.. some things would rank higher now, but would that mean kendo will alwiz be on the slow burner?

a hopeful cynic? or a cynical hope?

I read abt an old battle-weary guerilla in Vietnam today. I imagined how he felt, the scenes he mite have witnessed, the battles he'd fought.. Feeling his spirit, imagining what he has lived thru to come thus far. I imagined how he mite have been in his younger days, when facing the unknown threat, and having that threat appear in the form of a man with a weapon. I guessed how he mite have fought, tooth and nail, struggling, not wanting to end up on the ground next.

I believe that I have to inculcate that feeling in order to go further in Kendo. When I songkyo, I noe that my opponent is either better skilled and is training me to get that better cut, or is a peer and anything could happen, or is a junior, and in that case I have to make sure they get good basics. But I believe I am cultivating the wrong mentality.

I have been told that in shiai, and ji keiko no less, one has to fight as tho your life is on the line. To samurai in a duel, a wrong move would lead to the death of one. It was a case of you or me. simple as that. If you dun want to end up dead, u fought for your life. Having good form and pride, a samurai fighting for his life may not necessarily equate desperate.

Henceforth, cultivate the mind - to fight for your life, and yet retain good form.

The most un-romantic yet romantic line ever said on a blog:

"Darling, my heart is a Tupperware(tm) sandwich container, and you are the wholesome and peanut-butter-filled morsel whose scent has permeated my receptacle for all eternity, and for whom this container is reserved."

Explanation here.

Everyday you meet people. Everyone is different. You can never categorise ppl into groups. That would be a mistake. Cos once in a while they break the mould, and catch u by surprise. I believe that everyone has something special within them. Call it a gift, call it unique, call it a super power. Within everyone, therein lies something that they may be good at, something that they can do without even thinking about. Some may have supernatural gifts, others may just be able to summarise a whole string of bull into a single word. It may be innate or learned - of this I am uncertain, but just wait.. watch.. you'll see it if you have the patience to observe.
In that aspect, I am always in awe of others. There is always something about them that makes me feel little. I always want to aspire to be like someone else. Maybe my power has yet to be manifested or perhaps its still in nurturance.
And then there's that possibility that you may be unhappy with your gift. You may ask - is that it? Shouldn't it be grander? Why wasn't it more apparent? Why am I not in a league of extraordinary gentlemen? Well.. life likes a joke i guess. Accept it and make best use of it. If you're a morally upstanding type, put it to the benefit of others, if you aren't.. well.. I can't tell you wat to do now, can I? Perhaps its the opportunity to stir a bit of trouble and excitement..
To those who have yet to find that ability, that gift, that power of yours, fret not - call it idealistic - it will reveal itself in time. You may very well be applying it without realising it. Someone may already have told you, but you may have turned a deaf ear for a myriad number of reasons. I guess you may not really need to noe.. rite? We'll just keep rolling on anyway.
*Smallville theme song breaks the contemplative silence - "Somebody saaaaave meeee..."*

I've got my free pint, what about you?

I joined the Brewerkz Club in order to get a free pint of beer. Shameless? well, tht's their marketing spiel, and if I am gonna try out the place anyway, what better way to start than with a free pint from them? =)
We all noe Paulaner's has great weissbier, I think its time we give the other microbrewery in town a try. Beer connoiseurs, please go sign up here (click on the top left tab - FREE BEER), and we'll meet at Brewerkz sometime soon! Check out their happy hours - almost all day long! Let's go already!

Are you Hot?
I wear tiaras in my mouth. Metal adorns my teeth, ulcers on my lips escort them. There's some discomfiture everytime I chew. When I smile, it looks as tho a million paparazzi have just fired off their cameras at the same time, the blinding flashing of lights reflected in my mouth is too much to bear. I have to ensure there is no food stuck so as not to embarrass myself. I can hardly even keep my lips closed.
But soon, all this will pay for itself, and my discontent shall fade like an unwelcomed guest. And I will bask in the warm light that comes with the rising of the sun.

Profile of Peter Pan (from the 1st 50 pages of JM Barrie's book):
Peter Pan - the charmer

It is humiliating to have to confess that this conceit of Peter was one of his most fascinating qualities. To put it with brutal frankness, there never was a cockier boy.

No one could ever look quite so merry as Peter, and the loveliest of gurgles was his laugh. He had his first laugh still.

"Wendy," he continued in a voice that no woman has yet been able to resist, "Wendy, one girl is more than twenty boys."
"Do you really think so, Peter?"
"Yes, I do"
"I think it's perfectly sweet of you," she declared..

"It is perfectly lovely the way you talk about girls.."

Big Fish
It’s a beautiful movie about a Man’s life. It’s about story-telling and exaggeration. It’s about acceptance and love. It's the most complete way to die - with everyone from your past present n future sending u off with sincere smiles and pure joy, and to return to wat u wanted to be (I think). This movie offers many lessons abt life. Yet these quotes become a tad cliche after a while. Then again, this film is a tad fantastic anyway, so I suppose these 'lessons' contribute to the feel of the film. There're some aspects of the film that will keep thinkers busy as well - the witch, the lady in the lake, representation of spectre, significance of the fish, and others. Definitely worth a second viewing! Tim Burton is a master at the fantastic.


Quotes from the movie

Sandra: You don't even know me.
Edward: I have the rest of my life to find out.

Jenny: A man sees things differently at different times in his life.

"A man tells so many stories, that he becomes the stories. They live on after him, and in that way he becomes immortal."

"Most men, they'll tell you a story straight true. It won't be complicated, but it won't be interesting either."

Edward on the milkman's relationship with his mom: He was slipping her a little extra cream. He was filling her basket. He was making deliveries around back. He was buttering her rolls. Pumping her churn. Splashing milk in her box.

Chernobyl now - thru the eyes of a biker.
A beautifully sad photojourn-like library of pictures and memories of the 1986 nuclear disaster. thks to Prit. The link doesn't work now tho. The site is gone save for this entry below:

a new beginning

People had to leave everything, from photos of their grandparents to cars. Their clothes, cash and passports has been changed by state authorities. This is incredible, people lived, had homes, country houses, garages, motorcyles, cars, money, friends and relatives, people had their life, each in own niche and then in a matter of hours this world fall in pieces and everything goes to dogs and after few hours trip with some army vehicle one stands under some shower, washing away radiation and then step in a new life, naked with no home, no friends, no money, no past and with very doubtful future.

(Accompanying picture of an anonymous mantle where pictures of faces and families in happier days, set against a cracked and peeling wall, worn away by age)

not everything in this world revolves around you
let's talk abt ego. ego is wat makes ppl think the world revolves around themselves. it can make it seem as tho they're the most impt and influential person that anyone could ever have. despite the fact that they've been unapparent in that particular life they seemingly lord over for a year or more. Ego makes ppl so stupid sometimes. Irritatingly stupid. Its one of the main reasons why i dun like hanging out with guys all that much. I'm glad when I was in camp tht I was never in one of those showy, fake places like OCS where its a constant competition to be better than someone else (i.e. cuter gf, nicer car, better skill or aptitude, more money, etc). Understand this: everytime I'm upset, it actually may not be becos of you.

I've given a chance for EGO to speak, be warned, ensuing language is indeed the real thing:
I'm the one with the power, and so, I should check on my mortal every oh.. 3 months or so. I'll only deign to grace him with my presence if the him was a her, and a cute one at that. Otherwise, I'll not get out of bed for less than 300. Oh, the favours I do for those lesser beings!
Oh, my dear mortal is upset now, is it cos I talked to a pretty bird that he may be interested in? I dun think I'll bother finding out if there actually could be other reasons for being upset (which I doubt) other than plain old obvious jealousy - of me of course!
Oh, I'm so great, every gal I talk to is enamoured by me. I have to be careful, dun want a stampede now do i? i think I should go easy on this bird, dun wanna spoil chances for him now. Just put on a bit more of my wonderfully deceiving charm, smile, yes that would prolly give her the goosebumps! OH! I'm such a devil!
Sigh, my mortal's started to piss me off, I think I shall change my mood now, tralala, my busy affairs are more impt than anything else.

The Galleria
I have an aquarium. It’s a beautiful little setup. It has see-through glass walls which encases a rectangular body of the bluest water ever. Along one length, there is a dark grey deck where I’ve placed white deck chairs for contrast, some greenery for atmosphere and a little drinks shack for if my playthings ever need proper refreshment. So essentially, I can view the tank from 3 sides as well as from above. I like to see my playthings having a bit of exercise and fun in the water. I will do so without them realising that I am watching.
Everyday, there are fat little white men & pudgy cellulite-ridden women swimming around in it. Watching them doesn’t appeal to me all that much, but it helps ease the monotony of the day. On rare occasions, I mite find a nicely-toned figure in a captivating bikini lounging arnd, usually accompanied by another fat mass. Most of the time they’ll swim around in the aquarium, going back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes they dun swim, they’ll just lie on the deck and bake. I hope they have suncreen.
I was told that on one occasion, when I happened to be absent, there was a naughty couple who got bored of aquarium life. They chose to spice it up with a camera and the removal of their clothing. Since then, I have begun observing my fish tank with greater diligence than ever.

ride the wave. life takes you up. it takes u down. just get a board, and ride it. enjoy the seaspray in your face, the thrill of negotiating the troughs and dips and peaks. dun get distracted by wat others are doing, just do your own thing. live for the ride. no one's looking anyway.

I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me cos I'm dead & bloated
~Scott Weiland a long time ago.

::Advertisement::

I'm looking for fun individuals who have a modest amt to spend on a !!long weekend trip to Bali!! next week or the week after (18-22 Mar). A small to medium-sized group of ppl who choose to put themselves out of their element and explore a world apart from their own, and yet have the ability to retain elements of the present one (like drunken revelries).
This trip will appeal to various kinds - there's lots of things to do there. For the sporty types who want to get some extreme sports done there, to the slackers who want to relax and enjoy the beauty of the tropical escape, to the culturally-inclined who wish to learn more abt the indigeneous ppl there, the party-animals who hope to get drunk on cheap beer and fraternize with the foreign filth out for sleaze and quick lovin', and finally to the nutters who want to do it all - like me.
I've got frens who mite be there from a Monday and plan to leave together on Sunday. For myself, I hope to arrive on Wed. Alls you need is abt S$500 for a budget trip, and if u hope to stay in upmarket lodgings or shop lots, I recommend u take at least 1K with you. Airfare is more exp than to Phuket tho. damn.
So let me noe soon, I need to appeal for leave from the dear Boss whose outfit I'll be departing from come the 25th of March.

Links
:: The Lonely Planet's take on Bali. Not very detailed, but gives a truthful overview.
:: Bali the Pages. A more detailed overview.
:: Gay Bali Tours. A little too far off the beaten track..


Group of ppl watching movie together and eating crabs after
Since I'm advertising, anyone keen to catch Big Fish on this Friday evening (the 630ish show)? I've got a few frens going, and then we're gonna have Joo Chiat Crab dinner after. Let me noe once again. SOON.

Welcome to my Paradise (only in my imagination)

Early in the morning, at what I believed would be considered the few minutes before the "crack of dawn", we staggered out of our little hut, stumbling in the dark, making our way to the little Cup-kia that I left leaning against the wall of the hut the previous nite. We carried on our persons a mat, a blanket, some cans of drinks and a loaf of bread. We were off to see the dramatic sunrise over our tropical paradise!

The nite before had been beautiful - dancing on the sand, walking barefeet along the shoreline, the waves lapping at our feet, talking abt a life we had left behind, lying on the sand together, shooting-star challenges, my arms around her, her soft gentle breathing on my neck as she slept.. How we managed to get up this early in the morning, I really cannot fathom as yet.

Back to the present - I knew the winding lanes well; I'd ridden them back and forth a couple of times in the last 2 days. In the day it offered lush foliage half-shielding the blue skies and sandy beaches. But now, I could only see darkness lit up occasionally by a tikki-lamp party or two. Deftly avoiding the potholes which even in daylight I had missed on my first foray thru this hardpacked mud path, I skippered the bike out onto the main road. I looked out to where the familiar blue of the ocean should be. In its place was an inky blackness dotted by little red and yellow fairylights, a sight I gladly took in as well - great, the sun hadn't yet appeared!

The slow 20-minute ride thru the gently undulating lanes of the island carried me out of my slow-riser mode. we were headed for the cape tht we found yesterday - a cliffside spot tht we both agreed would be perfect to enjoy the first rays of light camped upon. The cool morning air against my face, her arms comfortably gripping my waist, the rolled up mat sticking out of the basket at the front of the scooter, the wind in our hair felt really nice. Anothing thing I love abt these backward places, you didn't have to wear a helmet! How would I ever be able to return to riding in Singapore after this, I did not noe. Did I even want to return?

We finally start the winding ascent up towards the cape. The sky had already taken on a lighter purplish hue. It was going to be a beautiful morning.

I have an interesting bruise pattern on my inner right knee. The area towards the knee cap makes it even more as there seems to be a petal shaped abrasion which is coloured in by bruised black-n-blue. the very centre of the pattern seems free of bruise, altho its numb, and the rest of the area surrounding the centre is coloured in nicely black-n-blue again. This makes the entire inner knee resemble a flower. nice. even in times of great duress and pain, I see beauty! haha