this is a feeling I really hate - the promise of getting smtg absolutely wonderful which is then taken away suddenly. not having the power to do anything abt it was smtg I lived with for far too long. and I was finally beginning to detach myself frm such wishful-thinking! I was beginning to feel proud for myself. I no longer needed little pick-me-ups in the week, or have to dangle a carrot (ala promise) to keep me going to the eventual reward, no. I tot I was breaking away..
who could have guessed tht wat let me down was but a simple dream. a dream derived frm a memory. a dream which triggered said hated feeling to re-emerge. a simple dream. which brought it all back..
Too tired to expouse..

While riding home tonite, I realised I've missed the feeling of the wind in my face. There came a point in time when I started riding day-in, day-out; suddenly all the things u loved abt it seemed to have become just ordinary and mundane. Then nites like tonite, when you're feeling alrite with the world, and u're cutting thru the cool nite air, feeling it on your skin, hearing it whistle thru the helmet.. and u remember why u love it.
I've stopped taking long-distance midnite rides just for the heck of it already. There was a time when I just craved riding aimlessly - I begged my mentor, Fat Adrian, to show me all the nice places (later on, I brought my other friends there); Mikey would call me out and we'd thrash the roads in Seletar Camp; ALCY and me racing thru no-man's land across the Malaysian border..
How can u lose a feeling (a love, nonetheless)? any comparisons to a relationship? mebbe someone can come up with analogy #2 for me..

Ok ok.. I noe I'm gonna face strong opposition here once again but I'll say it anyways.. I'm nuts abt Rosalind Pho! she's like a younger, more adorable version of Fiona Xie. She's bubbly, crazy, energetic, hilarious, and oh so sweet! Its all because of this show Absolutely Singapore (she wasn't as striking in Lightyears). Yes, one mite argue tht the two are hardly distinguishable and their on-screen personas seem to mirror Kym Ng's frm her TCS days, but Rosalind is somehow more approachable and human, so much more.. possible(?).. alive!
To deepen this comparison, I'll say tht Fiona's personality seems somehow more put-on and fake, while Rosalind seems so much more honest, zany and believable (despite her incredulous and hilarious actions).
To be honest, I spent most of tht one hour watching her more than the program itself (which was not too bad, spotted Gerard Francis frm SVDP in it). She's just adorable la - See her change frm nutty-over-the-top-chef, to sexy-mock-serious-teacher with S&M ruler in hand, to bashful then mock-anger expressed by using a rose to whack an imaginary person.. You can't help but smile.. =)
I guess despite all the masks of jadedness and precociousness tht the youth of Singapore seem to wear, its nice to still see such honest exuberance and bubbliness in a person, especially in one who works in the Media. It'll be a sad sad day when Robin Leong gets to her.

I did it. I actually watched Para Para Sakura... and ENJOYED iT! I had the option to download it in hall a year ago, but I chose not to. Tonite, I sat in front of my living room tv, and watched Aaron Kwok and Cecilia Cheung almost trade saliva (apparently kissing is so gratuitous, it warrants censorship on TV3). I chose the movie over drinks at Shan's hotel room bash, over going to Tea-man's to check out Postal2, and (believe it or not) over the desire to call the sweetest gal I noe!
I really love romantic flicks.. does it make me less of a guy by admitting tht? but I really love romantic flicks! I love seeing two ppl fall in love; I love seeing love overcome impossible odds; I love seeing love bloom in unlikely situations; I love seeing a gal put her head on a guy's shoulder (with tht look of love on her face), or smtg as simple as a slow-mo of two inter-twined hands. I seriously watched Pretty Woman when they last showed it on tv and was moved by it! I din really watch it before cos I tot it was a chick-flick (the type of movie u avoided cos your sister loved watching it over and over again) when it first came out. And speaking of chick-flicks - I watched Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood with Tea-man last nite too!
I dunno if this is gonna come haunt me, but I'll admit tht I actually feel the love.. or the sadness, depends which type of romantic flick we're talking abt here (some have plot twists tht end with the couple splitting - those really pull at your heartstrings!) And yes, one of my favourite movies is Serendipity.
So there, I've said it! come one, come all.. step right up! but first - be warned - I'll fight back tho..

Analogy #1: say you were an addict, and u have this pusher who provides u wat u need, but this bugger is short on supply, and u can only get some gratification once in a while. Assuming also tht you're a lazy-assed person who instead of going out to try to make your drug, or work harder at trying to find other means of supply.. wouldn't you stick to tht same pusher? cos he gives u wat u want, even if its just mild dosages (and he does give u specials when he can too..).

ahh.. it all becomes clear now. its amazing how lazy a person can be. what he can allow himself to go thru just cos he cannot be bothered to do smtg abt a problem..

there are times when u just dun say things cos its pointless. saying it may make u feel better, it may tell someone wat it is tht's on your mind, but it still won't change the situation. there are many things u can point at to take the blame for it, but then again, wat's the point still? if it ain't yours, its never gonna be no matter wat u do. u can't force some things. u can wish for the best. and bear it cos its a burden you created, not anyone else's. tht's all.

the world could be an entirely different place if we all had confidence. this is one virtue tht makes everything easy. I'm not saying its the only virtue, but perhaps this would be smtg I wish I had (more of?). In so many many aspects of life. Confidence comes frm experience or knowledge of smtg tht others may not have. Its funny how I may have those 2 and yet still lack confidence. oh elusive virtue, were u to make yourself available for $10..

the things people do. U can get a rough idea of how a person is like by their actions or wat they say (freudian slips aside), sometimes it just gives u this absolutely warm feeling, noeing tht tht person may be tht sweet or tht naive, etc. but the nice warm fren whom u've known for a while suddenly makes ur hair stand frm the way she unfeelingly treats others, or could be tht it dawns on u tht wat may seem like advice frm a fren suddenly seems like braggadocio. does it mean they're just nice to you and u're one of the lucky ones, or could they very well turn on u in a sec?
how far can u trust a fren? some may argue tht a friend is just tht, and tht there should be no room for mistrust. I used to say tht no one is perfect. u choose to accept them as they are, despite their evil misdeeds. no one can see the future, rite? History is made by good frens. Caesar's history is one example- "beware the ides of march!"

hmm... like I said previously. why issit tht when it matters, u just have nothing to say? may clarity of thought/mind pervade my mind when it should..

I read up abt Blaise Pascal after watching Someone Like You. He was a rather intelligent Mathematician and Christian. He also came up with this rational statement on belief in God (Pascal's Wager) -

"If God does not exist, one will lose nothing by believing in him, while if he does exist, one will lose everything by not believing."

which is further explained thus -

God exists or He does not exist, and we must of necessity lay odds for or against Him.
- If I wager for and God is -- infinite gain;
- If I wager for and God is not -- no loss.
- If I wager against and God is -- infinite loss;
- If I wager against and God is not -- neither loss nor gain.

It mite be what singaporeans consider a kiasu point of view.. He has many quotable quotes, including this one tht led me to find out more abt this 17th century figure -

"the heart has its reasons, to which reason knows nothing".

This was taken frm his supposedly greatest work entitled Pensées (1670). To find out more, click here.

ohyea.. I think I may have matured (haha!) somewhat during the trip to england. while I was there, there were times I was feeling a bit introspective, and somewhere along the line.. I started thinking abt the ex. There was a time when all I thought abt was what she did tht just screwed up wat we had, but recently, I've been recalling alot of the finer things tht she did tht. quite a lot. and I also made some comparisons to my own behaviour towards her.. I really wondered how come I was the way I was with her. I guess u mite say it takes 2 hands to clap (cliche I noe)..
regret? not really. we know tht it wasn't meant to be. she taught me a lot, and I'm grateful for tht. like I said in a previous post, some things could be better without u.
why am I posting abt the ex? I really wonder. its definitely a first. ha.

Its funny how sometimes no matter how much u want to, u just can't seem to hold a decent conversation with some ppl. it may not be just some certain ppl, or it may, but the thing is - there are actually ppl out there that u CANNOT talk to, no matter wat u try. mebbe once or twice u hit a subject tht both of u perk up at... but then, an awkward silence sometimes sets in after tht...
I guess it could happen when u just met someone for the very first time. especially when u dun "hit it off". lucky the socialites who are comfortable being in the limelight, and are full of interesting anecdotes and stories. but dun they end up with too many frens to keep up with, making them seem rather superficial? I dunno.. mebbe I just can't manage time well.

I met the sweetest gal I noe today. She surprised me with the thing she had in tow. I somehow felt really really bad after tht. I felt like I did when I fell on a log and landed on my solar plexus (when I was 12).. it must have been cos despite the drop-dead gorgeous vision in white smiling at me, the stifling shroud tht was my number 1 fiend of the year loomed up frm behind her and over-shadowed her. well, I felt so sick I almost din wanna go for kendo after tht. was just sitting in the lab staring at the comp screen.. Anyways, I din wanna leave a wonderful fren who went for coffee with them alone (we understand each other), so I joined the threesome for some respite frm comp screen.
I dunno if I've made progress or wat, but I actually feel alrite now. The blankness and blandness doesn't linger arnd tht long anymore.. its a good thing.

in life, the world dun just revolve around u. ever been part of a grp tht somehow carried on and grew into smtg without u? ever realised tht some things just seem to have changed while u stayed the same? What abt tht loser grp u disassociated yourself with which somehow became the one u want to be a part of again? its times like those tht u stop and take stock of change. but u realise it never is the same. so look arnd, appreciate what u have. if u think u haven't been putting in the effort, try. some things can be better. but realise tht some things can be better without u too. *shrugs*

shit. I posted something but it din appear. summary - I'm back in Singapore. the British Airways counter-staff named Preet saboed my travelling buddy's suitcase. We were misinformed of a 20kg baggage limit and she couldn't accomodate even tho we were going by 32kg limit for all the other flights.
Lesson 1: Check your tickets before u check-in for the baggage limit.
Lesson 2: Ensure u have the proper number of ticket stubs for each piece of luggage checked in.

In other news - I still dun believe in long distance relationships.

I'm stuck in London. My heart is elsewhere. The sights and the sounds have long been absorbed and they're just flowing by now, not registering much. I'd rather be in Scotland.. in Edinburgh, where the vision of old city architecture gives one an impression of England in the past. Its really a beautiful city. Even Glasgow was better - there wasn't much of a crowd walking arnd there. Here in London, its so bleeding crowded! its like Orchard on a weekend everyday! And the thing abt London is... its a tourist trap. everywhere u go - souvenir shops, souvenir shops of souvenir shops, etc etc.. I've been walking 12 hours a day, some days more, going from point to point, readings maps, taking buses and tubes, looking at pretty ppl, beggers, and pretty ppl begging to be looked at. I'm glad I have pretty good company to take me thru this.
Elsewhere, trouble is brewing and friends are in need of my company. I'm sorry I had to come here. I can almost smell the sweet sweat emanating from sweltering Singapore already. Soon soon..

Hi friends, netizens and countrymen! I am now writing this from London. We've just arrived today after spending a week or so in Scotland. Singapore Team did very well in the 12th World Kendo Championships held in Kelvinhall, Glasgow last weekend. Both the male and female teams are now ranked top 16 in the world! We also have one member of the team, dubbed Wonderboy by me, who attained "Best Fighting Spirit Award" (1 of 8 out of over 100 competitors worldwide!). We went wild when we heard his name, Singapore Kendo is a force to be reckoned with, especially in the next World Championships to be held in Taipei in 3 yrs time..

I've been having a ball of a time here, Scotland was a fantastic place. Lovely weather now, getting close to summer, its cold enuff to walk around with a shirt in the day, but u dun perspire at all, and at nite, we get to wear our nice warm coats! the gloomy english weather hasn't been rearing its ugly head much yet, but its alwiz cloudy here. Dropped by in Edinburgh for a day-trip too, it was BEAUTIFUL!!! I love the place, other than the excessive tourist shops. ohwell, u win some, u lose some. In London tho, today was rather hot, and I think its good so this way we won't have a terrible time adjusting to the sweltering Sg Climes when we return. I'm down to my last £110 for the next 4 days, so I'm really budgeting. saw 4 good books I wanted to get but I'll save it for the last day, if I've spare cash and space in my luggage. =(

We'll be taking a nite "Jack the Ripper" walk mebbe tmr, and going on to the British Museum and other free festivals. We're also gonna check out some free entry pubs, cos the drinks are really cheap here, and we must check out the london club scene at least yea? =P Other than that, I guess we'll try to discover the wonders of london, the reason why so many ppl seem to want to flock to this crappy place. I so much prefer Scotland man... but Singapore is HOME! I'll be back soon!! *muaks* to all!

Leaving on a jet plane. all my bags are packed... well.. I took 2 hours to pack my stuff. the 2 hrs just before I leave the house! phew... talk abt last minute packing! This HAS to be the closest corner I cut.. i realise its really the way I live my life too. Take exams: I wait till the latest possible day to study. and every sem, with every good result, I cut it closer and closer.. until finally.. I screw up my sem. *shakes head*
Anyway, I'm leaving for the UK in a matter of mins, just tot I'd update this to tell all my faithful readers out there.. pray for me and the team, we'll be doing out best, we need all your support! in spirit.. ; )
I'll be in Glasgow till the 9th, then heading on to London till the 13th, where I'll then take another long flight back home! It will be a welcome relief I'm sure..
well, dad aside, I'm still gonna make the best of this trip! I'll miss all the funstuff here in SG- Weili's chalet, P3 (CSS @ Sentosa!) and having everyone so near.. till then..