She's your wildest fantasy. She dances to the coolest songs, in the sexiest way possible - when she moves, all eyes are on her, and she just laps it up in stride, dancing like no one's watching. the highlighted streaks in her hair catching whatever light from the dim overhead, keeping the watchers continually entranced. her female form flows with all the right curves, her movements accentuating them. you catch a glimpse of her 'ink' - a tribal design just above the swell of her buttocks..
Everyone wants to talk to her, half of them do. She handles all advances well, laffin along with them, laffin at them. Her bee-stung lips beckon you to her, she mouths the words to you. the password goes unheard, but the door's already open.

I can imagine her in her veil of white, at her garden reception on a cliff. Her skin tone's dark from her perpetual sunburn - she still leads a hectic outdoor life. She's a lovely image of a bride in white, about to give up that which was the biggest part of her life - her freedom.

I met up with an old fren last nite - John Yim. He's the aforementioned guy whom I was a *quote* pillar of support to in his dark periods *unquote*.
John and I go way back to the canoeing team in 97. I was his senior, and he was this really enthusiastic junior whom I thought had a helluva lotta potential - he was determined, enthusiastic, a hard worker - basically everything that would make a great canoeist, esp if given the proper direction. But before his heyday came, John got expelled from school - his nemesis being his problem with punctuality.
Sometime then I got interested in Rowing. Still in contact with him, and not wanting all tht potential to be wasted, I got him to join up with me. I spent 1 month of intensive crazy, life-sacrificing time at Pandan, learning to row, but decided that it was something I din wanna commit to. John on the other hand, carried on, and went on to represent our country in several races. It was about here that we lost contact.
Fast fwd abt 2-3 yrs to this year, after the SEA games, he had announced his retirement. and he got to thinking abt where it all began. He's had a ball of a time meeting many regional ppl in the scene, and ppl he now calls frens, ppl who've influenced his life. For all this, he's thankful to me, and I of course, am filled with pride at having found smtg good for him.
As I watched him ride off into the sunset last nite, I foresee he'll be the kind of guy who'll call me up 20 yrs later telling me of how he's now leading a life of a king in Thailand; how he plucked up the courage and did what he really wanted to do. I imagine he'll be riding his little TW thru the mud flats and wheat fields, riding back to the lake where he now resides, with his Thai Love and little Johns all around. And then he'll send me smtg interesting (like a box of sweet foodstuffs), accompanied by digital printouts of what's been happening with him.. and I will smile.

Appreciated
I was just telling MaNgO that I missed her, haven't really seen her in a bit, and she mentions that I'm in her latest post -
"Ppl like Dude, whom I'm so dependant on, I see him at least once per wk on most occasions (I think my Guardian Angel must haf sent him to me to spice up my life)."

Its nice to noe that u mean smtg to some ppl. Too bad she din come to the party at Jute's..

This was a testimonial I received from a long lost fren as well:
"Dax is a person i owe alot to....he is like the most concerned and kindhearted person i know out there.....he provided a pillar of support during my dark periods. i always strive to emulate his grace and kindness."
Half of which is kinda over-dramatization, but I noe where he's coming from..

Opportunities
I'm a wealth of opportunity for ppl beyond just jobs and relationships. Be good to me, and I'll be good to you. Make use of me the wrong way, and feel my wrath. These notes in the last 2 days have made me understand part of my purpose here.. and I will continue to create opportunities for frens.

The aftereffects of a great party - nothing else seems to match up to it. Suddenly everything's slowed down. these are the elements that make up a great party: all your frens, great food, alcohol.. suddenly when these factors are varied, makes u realise that you just wanna go back to what you had - and another shot at having even more fun.. I'm rambling again.
Something's really bugging me abt that party tho.. and I can't say it. shite. well.. I won't explode. I promise.

ohmigod.. party at Justin's last nite was THE BOMB!
I've got bribe-worthy lapdance pics (*hint hint*).. and teeth-using brastrap-removing ones too.. BRIBE ME!
Man.. yes.. it became an alcohol drinking fest and I noe many just wanted to drink.. haha.. and here I am, fresh from the wine party on Xmas eve.. considering the merits of both.. and I can't decide which is better!
And no, I did not wee in front of any of my chick frens last nite.. in fact, I was quite proud of myself - I had so many shots and mixed drinks, plus wine in the earlier part of the evening, and I was perfectly fine! I drove frens home too! TWICE!
I only realised I was quite gone in retrospect when I recall things going by in a blur, and all the COCK I was saying and listening to..
it was great.. =)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Hey people.. have a great X'mas! Be safe, be careful, and be merry!

one hug
One hug can make you feel wanted
one hug can make you feel want
One hug is all you need to make your day better
one hug is all you need to make your week seem bleak
One hug, the salve to old wounds
one hug, the promise of new pain
One hug

Hugs are cheap.

Shuyin's Mango Surprise - with a twist (a pink one)

RETURN OF THE KING!!!!
I am inspired by the lost days of honour and bravery.. I get moved by inspiring speeches spat in the wind in the face of overwhelming odds.. I get a rush when I see tarzan-like (read elfly) acts of bravado amidst surfer antics..
The movie was good in general, there were many points where I was whooping out and cheering..
I keep forgetting that this is an old style book, written in the mid-20th Century. The descriptions and imagination of JRR Tolkien is fabulous (Altho I've still not gotten past page 100). Look what Peter Jackson could come up with with just 4 tomes? Middle Earth aka, New Zealand, is where I want to die. Anyway, at a time where movie making relies on killing the lead characters to keep the story surprising, ROTK doesn't do that at all. Its a movie filled with old school chivalry, of Good triumphing over Evil, and grey is just a colour. Everything else we read abt it is just the framework of our sick minds trying to sift thru and corrupt the pureness of it all.
But then.. where would the fun be without it? haha.. As ALCY said, Gimli and Legolas are never far from each other.. Sam got bored of getting it up the arse, and decided he wanted to see wat fun Frodo's been having with a short fat ho from the Shire.. What's with the Shire looking like Teletubby land?? links to that infamous purple thing and equally famous handbag?
How abt one up for the women? Eowyn and the Nazgul.. "No man can kill me" .. yea.. and a woman and a hobbit do it together.. din realise the feminist movement had already started in the 40s.. I do love the wyverns tho... alwiz wanted to be one.. =)~
Given that I was watching it while lacking sleep, and I'd just come from salsa, I got a tad sleepy at some points tho, and my eyes actually closed at others.. but there's alwiz something going on to get the lids open again.. I believe it woulda been even more gripping if I were more awake... thus.. I'm going for a 2nd round!! Anyone up for it? let me noe!

Refer to: Dizillusory.com
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
a (rather long) excerpt from my travel journal, last year's taiwan trip, on a train

Abstract: Freaking funny shit! (pun intended).. an entire posting on the resilience of shit, a re-examination of shit culture, a cultural study of family, and finally, observances of societal reactions to shit. But in actual fact, its really a discourse on how far a bored-shitless mind can stretch.

Brilliant! A+!

wow.. i have never felt so tired for so long before.. I think it was since sat nite, been out late, had a few suppers, I dunno what else I did.. all i know is that I wanted to sleep so much everyday, never getting even my minimum hours.. my eyes began having these dark rings, and my eyeballs started hurting, occasionally getting bloodshot.. and it wasn't for work AT ALL... haha
Anyway, I got my extra hour of rest last nite and I think it helped somewhat.. today's good again. This weekend looks set to be quite a rush - I got roped back into helping out the choir, despite having quit a couple of months back. but after watching them at a rehearsal on Tues, I guess I do miss the kids and frens from there. I definitely miss the singing.
The CSS is having their Annual X'mas Bash at Temasek Club too. Oldies. haha. that's just what we are now. Nette should join us - too bad she's going to KL. Peggy WAS going to join us - she had carolling. hey, so do I!!

Ok, its disappointing I noe - there's nothing very interesting I'm writing today.. well.. just to announce the return of wakefulness I guess? no more zombie-ing arnd.. =)

I mailed out a solution with eastpaw, well.. mailing him got me to thinking abt the situation. Perhaps I have so many groups of frens, coupled with my personality that doesn't allow me to ingratiate myself with ppl fast enuff to last, which leads to me trying to tear self among the groups.. which leads to poor quality interaction, which leads to me being the way I feel I am.

On another note, why issit that the one person whom I'd like to spend the most time with just doesn't feel the same way? As Elf says, one shouldn't commit himself/herself too early, so in the end if it works out, god bless us, if it doesnt, hey, it was great what we shared. words of a shy, meek, reserved, boy-next-door type.

Quotable Quotes:
caught on icq today.. an original term of endearment, just for u, readers of Juneandtheocean:

eastpaw (4:18 PM) :
my little lickydicky

so wat's wrong with china mail-order brides anyway? heh.. wanted to put a link or two here, but couldn't find any nice sites abt them..

How far can one go before being labelled "Annoying"? What is the difference between being persistent and irritating? between determined and hell-bent, between relentless and clingy? In most cases, they could mean the same thing, just cast in a different light.. the words themselves carry their own connotations. semiotics they say..
I wanna noe when I cross that line. I want an alarm to go off, and a chance to take a step back and try again. I want transparency.. I want knowledge.. I want power!
This guy we met tonite was "confident" - he talked to every gal, (and every guy) in the group, and got several numbers.. it got to the point where mylene even told him "yes, I DID just move further from u, cos you're not the father of my children, you're asian, you're ugly, and pls dun come closer again!" and this guy just act blur.. and even carried on!
there was a time when I would have shook that guy's hand, cos I tot he was really brave, and given the law of averages, he surely woulda gotten lucky several times. But in that light, and taking into account wat she said.. my ego would really have taken a bashing if that had been me.. =P

I think I have to re-examine my whole take on relationships. with ppl in general. I have a feeling the entire way I see things and treat ppl is the cause.. As hard as it is to admit it, I really would say that I have a problem. I have friends whom I am concerned for, but for some absurd reason, the concern never seems reciprocated. I really would like to know what I'm doing wrong. Do i brush ppl off? Do I not bother to make a connection? Is there something I do that just turns ppl off?
I know a lot of ppl, but how many ppl know me? I can find an alternative party if I'm ever bored, but the party doesn't actually look for me.
Groups I can think of immediately that I have been in, but am not really a part of:
- NUS Kendo, RCC choir/ SVDP, Salsa classmates, CSS, SyN, any other groups within NUS (hall, dept, tute class, etc)
If you take these away, I can only take away the individuals who have stood out for me.. and again, how much do I matter to them?
I seem to give ppl the impression that I'm really fine. Ppl can imply things abt me- that I have an endless number of ppl I can turn to, etc.. but the truth is.. yes I can, but how much of it would just be pleasantries? There is a semi-subconscious ranking system in place tht determines whose opinions rank above others.
To be fair, I should be putting in some effort into getting to noe ppl beyond just the surface too, more than just the usual breeze-shooting or dragon-chasing, i should delve beneath and really mean that difference to others too. Isn't that the way it works?
Even Kaz seems to read stuff abt me - that I'm an open person, and that was a huge reason why she hand-picked me to join Kazworks!.. am I really like dat? or is there something abt me that makes me not see the truth? if that indeed is the truth. Could it be that its due to all these comparisons that we make in life that makes us feel inadequate?
Anyone of you reading this - just tell me the truth. mail me, call me. I'm all for change.

wasn't feeling too good this evening. I was made second fiddle to a tiramisu cake.. and then later tht nite, second fiddle to the bf of a sister.. its fabulous to know where ppl place u in the hierarchy of things.
for the tiramisu cake.. well.. it had to be made - it was just bad timing. for the second one - well.. there was no reason. I've got frens who simply cannot explain their actions.
Was at China Bar to watch Navin play, got to see John Molina in the flesh - man he's cute. nice tight bod, with nice strategic tattoos. Then shifted to Union Sq for some salsa later, then two suppers.. I guess it almost made up for the 1st playing 2nd fiddle bit. sleep. nite peeps!

Waiting.
Its a terrible feeling. To wait for someone who is late. You stand around, you pace, you look around.. time crawls at a lumbering irregular pace - sometimes slow.. sometimes slower. Everyone is with someone, and you're all alone. You start to play with your fingers.
Even worse, to wait for someone to reply as to whether there will be a meeting at all. The date and time has been suggested, the event - previewed as a highlight. Yet still the other party does not respond. You've checked to see if they're keen at all, to which a positive was acknowledged. But still you wait. Not wanting to attain the moniker "irritant", you send ONE reminder.. no reply.

And it could be even worse.. when the appointed hour arrives, the other person cancels instead.

As I sat in front of my Inbox today, my usual first thing to do is to check off all the mails tht din get nabbed by the Spam Mail filter. Check better your mortgages, check see what your neighbours are doing!!, check Fwd: ..., check come watch Zarelda and Candice, check ... waitaminit... *looks again*.. I think that's tht play Candice and Rel are acting in!! haha.. alamak.. tot tht email was another one of those pr0n massmails!
Sigh.. the insidiousness of spam and the internet has spilled over and even an innocently-titled email can lead to us deleting our frens! *delete* *delete* aiiieeeee.....!!
was it all tht innocently-titled? hmm.. i should check with candice.. heh

I now understand shishar... *shisha high*

I went for Love Actually with MaNgO tonite. Felt bad for making her run to 3 places before actually settling on Balestier, but well, she'll do anything for me (as long as she can ineffectually punch me at the end). hehe ;-)
my main take out from this movie - Love is all around. its just what we've got to do to make it happen. if we sit on our asses all day, it won't just happen. we've got to do smtg to make it. of course there are other kinds of love as well, as the movie assures us.. some of us may never have happy endings. circumstance and priorities contribute to it as well. opportunities are supposed to alwiz be there, but there are more things that go into a simple yes/no scenario.

There's nothing worse than the agony of being in love.

I pray that before I turn cold and turgid, that I would have at least been able to look back and say that I once bathed in its warm glow.

Crave
one can never have enuff of a good thing. we alwiz want more. and when we can't get what we want, we turn into snivelling ghosts, like smokers craving for a ciggie, like junkies craving for another fix. Even tho when we eventually get what we want, its all good, the craving is never healthy. Losing that control, and letting an outside factor decide how you behave can be anything but good.
You crave, I crave, we all crave.. question is, do you let it take over? kudos if you're still in control, pity to you who've lost it. such suckers we are.

had a great nite with the sweetest gal. we had dinner, desserts then went for salsa at Union Sq. It was fab.. =) I no longer look back on such dates with misty recollections. good I suppose, can separate self from emotions.
how scary issit tho, when u get to the stage where u can just sit and watch tv.. and its still fun, ie. its not the telly tht's keeping us entertained. Has it gotten so comfortable tht we've cornered ourselves into a dead-end of no progression? Can we really be just great frens, and nothing more? Perhaps tht spark has dwindled, and its just a dying cinder now. did i ever have tht moment? has she changed the way she feels?
In that one nite, I had at least 3 opportunities to test out tht fear.. but in all, I chose to hold myself back. I've gone down tht route before, and its alwiz been the wrong choice. Do I want to risk this amazing bond I have with her yet again?

Ripples stir
she turns and beckons
then vanishes

Was just thinking abt it at work, and I found this rather interesting.
I was interacting with some of the staff in the adjoining building at my office the other day. These ppl are the so-called "grunts" of the office, doing their specialised departmental stuff, day to day. They work in clusters, have one person in charge of them who probably reports to a higher up boss who then reports to the regional boss, who in turn reports to the global in-charge and then to the CEO/President of the company. They live in fear of their big bosses. I noe cos I used to see my chief clerk sweat whenever she heard that HER immediate super was coming down to the office. And it got even more antsy and jumpy when the Big Boss comes anywhere nearby.. and u can just imagine when the supreme fucker ever shows up la..
Anyway here i am at this office and i sit with the regional heads of the department here. i pass them every once in a while, a hello here and there. everything's cool, cos I'm not actually dependent (well, not directly) on them for my bread and butter. I can just imagine tho, how the grunts would prolly feel if one of these big fucks walks over to their dept and waltzes in.. they'd try to be on their best behaviour, being all goody and hardworking..
ok, this is one of those posts where I lose my point halfway.. so I'm just gonna end here.
Have a great day ppl!

*update*
What I meant to say was tht if I had gotten a normal strait-laced job, working 9-5 for a corporate conglomerate or any other employer (desk-bound), then yes, I would be one of those previously-mentioned grunts.. but here I am, trying to be one with the big guys, cos I have to appear to be on the same level as them. So far its not working too well, I'm still riding Kaz's waves, but hopefully I'll have ground out my baby teeth soon enuff. Make me a shark!

Was hanging out with the Kazworks! Crew today and somehow we started talking abt the gym. Ren turned to me and said "You go to the gym rite?" and the conversation got steered away..
however, wat was important was that this dude thought that my current physique, which I once thought of as being too skinny, could pass of as one that was a product of artificial repetitive flexing with unforgiving pieces of metal! Cool.. thought I.
Yes, aside from today's bimbotic thoughts, I was persuaded by JY to attend her Intermediate1 salsa class as a refresher.. tricked i was.. there were more than enuff guys, and not enuff gals there. Anyways, the evening was great.. managed to dance with the beautiful Linna more than once, and received some favourable comments from her tonite as well - "Dax can do the COKE pretty well!" =)) The Coke is a move that requires the guy to really swing the gal across and back - using centrifugal force. If done well, it could almost qualify for an amusement ride.
One of my classmates from B2 just AMAZED me tonite.. Jeremy O was dancing so well with Linna!! Every single turn led into a complicated move into another complicated move. He only repeated ONE move in that 3 minute or so song. I couldn't help but clap at the end of it.. my god.. when and how did he get so good...?? *drool* Once day.. one day..