She's your wildest fantasy. She dances to the coolest songs, in the sexiest way possible - when she moves, all eyes are on her, and she just laps it up in stride, dancing like no one's watching. the highlighted streaks in her hair catching whatever light from the dim overhead, keeping the watchers continually entranced. her female form flows with all the right curves, her movements accentuating them. you catch a glimpse of her 'ink' - a tribal design just above the swell of her buttocks..
Everyone wants to talk to her, half of them do. She handles all advances well, laffin along with them, laffin at them. Her bee-stung lips beckon you to her, she mouths the words to you. the password goes unheard, but the door's already open.

I can imagine her in her veil of white, at her garden reception on a cliff. Her skin tone's dark from her perpetual sunburn - she still leads a hectic outdoor life. She's a lovely image of a bride in white, about to give up that which was the biggest part of her life - her freedom.

I met up with an old fren last nite - John Yim. He's the aforementioned guy whom I was a *quote* pillar of support to in his dark periods *unquote*.
John and I go way back to the canoeing team in 97. I was his senior, and he was this really enthusiastic junior whom I thought had a helluva lotta potential - he was determined, enthusiastic, a hard worker - basically everything that would make a great canoeist, esp if given the proper direction. But before his heyday came, John got expelled from school - his nemesis being his problem with punctuality.
Sometime then I got interested in Rowing. Still in contact with him, and not wanting all tht potential to be wasted, I got him to join up with me. I spent 1 month of intensive crazy, life-sacrificing time at Pandan, learning to row, but decided that it was something I din wanna commit to. John on the other hand, carried on, and went on to represent our country in several races. It was about here that we lost contact.
Fast fwd abt 2-3 yrs to this year, after the SEA games, he had announced his retirement. and he got to thinking abt where it all began. He's had a ball of a time meeting many regional ppl in the scene, and ppl he now calls frens, ppl who've influenced his life. For all this, he's thankful to me, and I of course, am filled with pride at having found smtg good for him.
As I watched him ride off into the sunset last nite, I foresee he'll be the kind of guy who'll call me up 20 yrs later telling me of how he's now leading a life of a king in Thailand; how he plucked up the courage and did what he really wanted to do. I imagine he'll be riding his little TW thru the mud flats and wheat fields, riding back to the lake where he now resides, with his Thai Love and little Johns all around. And then he'll send me smtg interesting (like a box of sweet foodstuffs), accompanied by digital printouts of what's been happening with him.. and I will smile.

Appreciated
I was just telling MaNgO that I missed her, haven't really seen her in a bit, and she mentions that I'm in her latest post -
"Ppl like Dude, whom I'm so dependant on, I see him at least once per wk on most occasions (I think my Guardian Angel must haf sent him to me to spice up my life)."

Its nice to noe that u mean smtg to some ppl. Too bad she din come to the party at Jute's..

This was a testimonial I received from a long lost fren as well:
"Dax is a person i owe alot to....he is like the most concerned and kindhearted person i know out there.....he provided a pillar of support during my dark periods. i always strive to emulate his grace and kindness."
Half of which is kinda over-dramatization, but I noe where he's coming from..

Opportunities
I'm a wealth of opportunity for ppl beyond just jobs and relationships. Be good to me, and I'll be good to you. Make use of me the wrong way, and feel my wrath. These notes in the last 2 days have made me understand part of my purpose here.. and I will continue to create opportunities for frens.

The aftereffects of a great party - nothing else seems to match up to it. Suddenly everything's slowed down. these are the elements that make up a great party: all your frens, great food, alcohol.. suddenly when these factors are varied, makes u realise that you just wanna go back to what you had - and another shot at having even more fun.. I'm rambling again.
Something's really bugging me abt that party tho.. and I can't say it. shite. well.. I won't explode. I promise.

ohmigod.. party at Justin's last nite was THE BOMB!
I've got bribe-worthy lapdance pics (*hint hint*).. and teeth-using brastrap-removing ones too.. BRIBE ME!
Man.. yes.. it became an alcohol drinking fest and I noe many just wanted to drink.. haha.. and here I am, fresh from the wine party on Xmas eve.. considering the merits of both.. and I can't decide which is better!
And no, I did not wee in front of any of my chick frens last nite.. in fact, I was quite proud of myself - I had so many shots and mixed drinks, plus wine in the earlier part of the evening, and I was perfectly fine! I drove frens home too! TWICE!
I only realised I was quite gone in retrospect when I recall things going by in a blur, and all the COCK I was saying and listening to..
it was great.. =)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Hey people.. have a great X'mas! Be safe, be careful, and be merry!

one hug
One hug can make you feel wanted
one hug can make you feel want
One hug is all you need to make your day better
one hug is all you need to make your week seem bleak
One hug, the salve to old wounds
one hug, the promise of new pain
One hug

Hugs are cheap.

Shuyin's Mango Surprise - with a twist (a pink one)

RETURN OF THE KING!!!!
I am inspired by the lost days of honour and bravery.. I get moved by inspiring speeches spat in the wind in the face of overwhelming odds.. I get a rush when I see tarzan-like (read elfly) acts of bravado amidst surfer antics..
The movie was good in general, there were many points where I was whooping out and cheering..
I keep forgetting that this is an old style book, written in the mid-20th Century. The descriptions and imagination of JRR Tolkien is fabulous (Altho I've still not gotten past page 100). Look what Peter Jackson could come up with with just 4 tomes? Middle Earth aka, New Zealand, is where I want to die. Anyway, at a time where movie making relies on killing the lead characters to keep the story surprising, ROTK doesn't do that at all. Its a movie filled with old school chivalry, of Good triumphing over Evil, and grey is just a colour. Everything else we read abt it is just the framework of our sick minds trying to sift thru and corrupt the pureness of it all.
But then.. where would the fun be without it? haha.. As ALCY said, Gimli and Legolas are never far from each other.. Sam got bored of getting it up the arse, and decided he wanted to see wat fun Frodo's been having with a short fat ho from the Shire.. What's with the Shire looking like Teletubby land?? links to that infamous purple thing and equally famous handbag?
How abt one up for the women? Eowyn and the Nazgul.. "No man can kill me" .. yea.. and a woman and a hobbit do it together.. din realise the feminist movement had already started in the 40s.. I do love the wyverns tho... alwiz wanted to be one.. =)~
Given that I was watching it while lacking sleep, and I'd just come from salsa, I got a tad sleepy at some points tho, and my eyes actually closed at others.. but there's alwiz something going on to get the lids open again.. I believe it woulda been even more gripping if I were more awake... thus.. I'm going for a 2nd round!! Anyone up for it? let me noe!

Refer to: Dizillusory.com
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
a (rather long) excerpt from my travel journal, last year's taiwan trip, on a train

Abstract: Freaking funny shit! (pun intended).. an entire posting on the resilience of shit, a re-examination of shit culture, a cultural study of family, and finally, observances of societal reactions to shit. But in actual fact, its really a discourse on how far a bored-shitless mind can stretch.

Brilliant! A+!

wow.. i have never felt so tired for so long before.. I think it was since sat nite, been out late, had a few suppers, I dunno what else I did.. all i know is that I wanted to sleep so much everyday, never getting even my minimum hours.. my eyes began having these dark rings, and my eyeballs started hurting, occasionally getting bloodshot.. and it wasn't for work AT ALL... haha
Anyway, I got my extra hour of rest last nite and I think it helped somewhat.. today's good again. This weekend looks set to be quite a rush - I got roped back into helping out the choir, despite having quit a couple of months back. but after watching them at a rehearsal on Tues, I guess I do miss the kids and frens from there. I definitely miss the singing.
The CSS is having their Annual X'mas Bash at Temasek Club too. Oldies. haha. that's just what we are now. Nette should join us - too bad she's going to KL. Peggy WAS going to join us - she had carolling. hey, so do I!!

Ok, its disappointing I noe - there's nothing very interesting I'm writing today.. well.. just to announce the return of wakefulness I guess? no more zombie-ing arnd.. =)

I mailed out a solution with eastpaw, well.. mailing him got me to thinking abt the situation. Perhaps I have so many groups of frens, coupled with my personality that doesn't allow me to ingratiate myself with ppl fast enuff to last, which leads to me trying to tear self among the groups.. which leads to poor quality interaction, which leads to me being the way I feel I am.

On another note, why issit that the one person whom I'd like to spend the most time with just doesn't feel the same way? As Elf says, one shouldn't commit himself/herself too early, so in the end if it works out, god bless us, if it doesnt, hey, it was great what we shared. words of a shy, meek, reserved, boy-next-door type.

Quotable Quotes:
caught on icq today.. an original term of endearment, just for u, readers of Juneandtheocean:

eastpaw (4:18 PM) :
my little lickydicky

so wat's wrong with china mail-order brides anyway? heh.. wanted to put a link or two here, but couldn't find any nice sites abt them..

How far can one go before being labelled "Annoying"? What is the difference between being persistent and irritating? between determined and hell-bent, between relentless and clingy? In most cases, they could mean the same thing, just cast in a different light.. the words themselves carry their own connotations. semiotics they say..
I wanna noe when I cross that line. I want an alarm to go off, and a chance to take a step back and try again. I want transparency.. I want knowledge.. I want power!
This guy we met tonite was "confident" - he talked to every gal, (and every guy) in the group, and got several numbers.. it got to the point where mylene even told him "yes, I DID just move further from u, cos you're not the father of my children, you're asian, you're ugly, and pls dun come closer again!" and this guy just act blur.. and even carried on!
there was a time when I would have shook that guy's hand, cos I tot he was really brave, and given the law of averages, he surely woulda gotten lucky several times. But in that light, and taking into account wat she said.. my ego would really have taken a bashing if that had been me.. =P

I think I have to re-examine my whole take on relationships. with ppl in general. I have a feeling the entire way I see things and treat ppl is the cause.. As hard as it is to admit it, I really would say that I have a problem. I have friends whom I am concerned for, but for some absurd reason, the concern never seems reciprocated. I really would like to know what I'm doing wrong. Do i brush ppl off? Do I not bother to make a connection? Is there something I do that just turns ppl off?
I know a lot of ppl, but how many ppl know me? I can find an alternative party if I'm ever bored, but the party doesn't actually look for me.
Groups I can think of immediately that I have been in, but am not really a part of:
- NUS Kendo, RCC choir/ SVDP, Salsa classmates, CSS, SyN, any other groups within NUS (hall, dept, tute class, etc)
If you take these away, I can only take away the individuals who have stood out for me.. and again, how much do I matter to them?
I seem to give ppl the impression that I'm really fine. Ppl can imply things abt me- that I have an endless number of ppl I can turn to, etc.. but the truth is.. yes I can, but how much of it would just be pleasantries? There is a semi-subconscious ranking system in place tht determines whose opinions rank above others.
To be fair, I should be putting in some effort into getting to noe ppl beyond just the surface too, more than just the usual breeze-shooting or dragon-chasing, i should delve beneath and really mean that difference to others too. Isn't that the way it works?
Even Kaz seems to read stuff abt me - that I'm an open person, and that was a huge reason why she hand-picked me to join Kazworks!.. am I really like dat? or is there something abt me that makes me not see the truth? if that indeed is the truth. Could it be that its due to all these comparisons that we make in life that makes us feel inadequate?
Anyone of you reading this - just tell me the truth. mail me, call me. I'm all for change.

wasn't feeling too good this evening. I was made second fiddle to a tiramisu cake.. and then later tht nite, second fiddle to the bf of a sister.. its fabulous to know where ppl place u in the hierarchy of things.
for the tiramisu cake.. well.. it had to be made - it was just bad timing. for the second one - well.. there was no reason. I've got frens who simply cannot explain their actions.
Was at China Bar to watch Navin play, got to see John Molina in the flesh - man he's cute. nice tight bod, with nice strategic tattoos. Then shifted to Union Sq for some salsa later, then two suppers.. I guess it almost made up for the 1st playing 2nd fiddle bit. sleep. nite peeps!

Waiting.
Its a terrible feeling. To wait for someone who is late. You stand around, you pace, you look around.. time crawls at a lumbering irregular pace - sometimes slow.. sometimes slower. Everyone is with someone, and you're all alone. You start to play with your fingers.
Even worse, to wait for someone to reply as to whether there will be a meeting at all. The date and time has been suggested, the event - previewed as a highlight. Yet still the other party does not respond. You've checked to see if they're keen at all, to which a positive was acknowledged. But still you wait. Not wanting to attain the moniker "irritant", you send ONE reminder.. no reply.

And it could be even worse.. when the appointed hour arrives, the other person cancels instead.

As I sat in front of my Inbox today, my usual first thing to do is to check off all the mails tht din get nabbed by the Spam Mail filter. Check better your mortgages, check see what your neighbours are doing!!, check Fwd: ..., check come watch Zarelda and Candice, check ... waitaminit... *looks again*.. I think that's tht play Candice and Rel are acting in!! haha.. alamak.. tot tht email was another one of those pr0n massmails!
Sigh.. the insidiousness of spam and the internet has spilled over and even an innocently-titled email can lead to us deleting our frens! *delete* *delete* aiiieeeee.....!!
was it all tht innocently-titled? hmm.. i should check with candice.. heh

I now understand shishar... *shisha high*

I went for Love Actually with MaNgO tonite. Felt bad for making her run to 3 places before actually settling on Balestier, but well, she'll do anything for me (as long as she can ineffectually punch me at the end). hehe ;-)
my main take out from this movie - Love is all around. its just what we've got to do to make it happen. if we sit on our asses all day, it won't just happen. we've got to do smtg to make it. of course there are other kinds of love as well, as the movie assures us.. some of us may never have happy endings. circumstance and priorities contribute to it as well. opportunities are supposed to alwiz be there, but there are more things that go into a simple yes/no scenario.

There's nothing worse than the agony of being in love.

I pray that before I turn cold and turgid, that I would have at least been able to look back and say that I once bathed in its warm glow.

Crave
one can never have enuff of a good thing. we alwiz want more. and when we can't get what we want, we turn into snivelling ghosts, like smokers craving for a ciggie, like junkies craving for another fix. Even tho when we eventually get what we want, its all good, the craving is never healthy. Losing that control, and letting an outside factor decide how you behave can be anything but good.
You crave, I crave, we all crave.. question is, do you let it take over? kudos if you're still in control, pity to you who've lost it. such suckers we are.

had a great nite with the sweetest gal. we had dinner, desserts then went for salsa at Union Sq. It was fab.. =) I no longer look back on such dates with misty recollections. good I suppose, can separate self from emotions.
how scary issit tho, when u get to the stage where u can just sit and watch tv.. and its still fun, ie. its not the telly tht's keeping us entertained. Has it gotten so comfortable tht we've cornered ourselves into a dead-end of no progression? Can we really be just great frens, and nothing more? Perhaps tht spark has dwindled, and its just a dying cinder now. did i ever have tht moment? has she changed the way she feels?
In that one nite, I had at least 3 opportunities to test out tht fear.. but in all, I chose to hold myself back. I've gone down tht route before, and its alwiz been the wrong choice. Do I want to risk this amazing bond I have with her yet again?

Ripples stir
she turns and beckons
then vanishes

Was just thinking abt it at work, and I found this rather interesting.
I was interacting with some of the staff in the adjoining building at my office the other day. These ppl are the so-called "grunts" of the office, doing their specialised departmental stuff, day to day. They work in clusters, have one person in charge of them who probably reports to a higher up boss who then reports to the regional boss, who in turn reports to the global in-charge and then to the CEO/President of the company. They live in fear of their big bosses. I noe cos I used to see my chief clerk sweat whenever she heard that HER immediate super was coming down to the office. And it got even more antsy and jumpy when the Big Boss comes anywhere nearby.. and u can just imagine when the supreme fucker ever shows up la..
Anyway here i am at this office and i sit with the regional heads of the department here. i pass them every once in a while, a hello here and there. everything's cool, cos I'm not actually dependent (well, not directly) on them for my bread and butter. I can just imagine tho, how the grunts would prolly feel if one of these big fucks walks over to their dept and waltzes in.. they'd try to be on their best behaviour, being all goody and hardworking..
ok, this is one of those posts where I lose my point halfway.. so I'm just gonna end here.
Have a great day ppl!

*update*
What I meant to say was tht if I had gotten a normal strait-laced job, working 9-5 for a corporate conglomerate or any other employer (desk-bound), then yes, I would be one of those previously-mentioned grunts.. but here I am, trying to be one with the big guys, cos I have to appear to be on the same level as them. So far its not working too well, I'm still riding Kaz's waves, but hopefully I'll have ground out my baby teeth soon enuff. Make me a shark!

Was hanging out with the Kazworks! Crew today and somehow we started talking abt the gym. Ren turned to me and said "You go to the gym rite?" and the conversation got steered away..
however, wat was important was that this dude thought that my current physique, which I once thought of as being too skinny, could pass of as one that was a product of artificial repetitive flexing with unforgiving pieces of metal! Cool.. thought I.
Yes, aside from today's bimbotic thoughts, I was persuaded by JY to attend her Intermediate1 salsa class as a refresher.. tricked i was.. there were more than enuff guys, and not enuff gals there. Anyways, the evening was great.. managed to dance with the beautiful Linna more than once, and received some favourable comments from her tonite as well - "Dax can do the COKE pretty well!" =)) The Coke is a move that requires the guy to really swing the gal across and back - using centrifugal force. If done well, it could almost qualify for an amusement ride.
One of my classmates from B2 just AMAZED me tonite.. Jeremy O was dancing so well with Linna!! Every single turn led into a complicated move into another complicated move. He only repeated ONE move in that 3 minute or so song. I couldn't help but clap at the end of it.. my god.. when and how did he get so good...?? *drool* Once day.. one day..

JY revived my flagging interest in salsa tonite.. yes, it was something tht I really loved some months back, esp when I got in with that group previously mentioned. but since xenbar started charging entry fees and having their belly-dancing demonstrations.. its been slowly waning.. more demoralised that anything ctually.
I may have picked salsa up for the wrong reasons, but ever since then, I have really grown to love it - as a form of expression, as a form of non-verbal communication, as a form of enjoyment, and the feeling that comes from wheeling a partner around beautifully.
However, today was fab - i didn't care abt who was dancing, I din care abt anything - i just danced.. and i loved it again. once again I want to improve, to learn more, and be able to do more.
sometimes we pick things up for the wrong reasons, but we find out more tht tht fluke may turn out to be a real gem in the end. *sweet*

NUS Exams are over! These are the most treasured times I have - Friday, Saturday and most other nights.. Please.. if you wanna do smtg.. just do it. I'm game!! I'm also dying for a drinking party sometime soon.. and yes.. risk doing more stupid things. haha

I discovered a popup remover called "Another IE Popup Killer V2.00" by fadsoft.com yesterday.. its fabulous. its small (less than a meg/negligible RAM usage). its free. and it just killed 56 popups since I started the comp 20 mins ago!!! Try it dudes. I dunno if the link above works, I got the program off www.download.com. it mite just stop the irritation from all tht crap tht loads when u aren't watching.. =)

Indecent Exposure
There she is: tall and tan and young and lovely. The modern Girl from Ipanema- everyone goes ahhh.. when she passes. She's the epitome of cool, calm and collected. She's got her executive pumps, her hair styled to exude control, her gucci sunnies resting prominently above her brow. She sits there looking really full of control, self-assured. But look.. there, a flash of white. was that what I think it was? all that she's worked to create - for all that, she's just let her guard down unintentionally. Did she just drop a notch?
I was let into a secret recently, a fren spied me peeing one night - cos I was drunk and was helped into the stall. It was a real surprise to be let into smtg like that. I felt like a part of me suddenly went missing. I didn't know how to feel. It was strange. We all wear clothes, and cover up ourselves to some extent. Yes, we may bare a shoulder here, or go floundering on the beach in minimal clothing, but we don't actually get to bare it all. Consider Nudist's Beaches.. Yes I've seen pictures, but its different being a voyeur and actually being on the other side! Ok, I noe it wasn't intentional at all, she had to help me if not I'd have prolly drowned in my own pee - dun go anal on me ya?
So if we are let into a situation where we are let into smtg like that, how does that make us feel? If you caught a flash of someone's breasts, or looked out the window to see your neighbour changing, or were privy to a watering hole where women bathed regularly (ala DreamQuest!), how would that make you feel? Would you feel dirty? Would you look away? Would you feel a perverse sense of power? Would you keep looking?
Then again, there are the flashers and exhibitionists that I've heard of who exist in our very society.. Obviously they wouldn't have any of these qualms.. they'll whip it out anytime. Peace.

*update*
to my fren - I'm sorry for the horrendous experience. anyways, this post isn't aimed at u, just tht I was in your situation recently and had time to reflect on both sides of the issue.

She made my day that much better. just by being there, talking so easily to her - we had lost all concept of time. I learned so much tonite - making a comparison, analysing the past, learning. Erdinger's alwiz goes down great with fab company. First time meeting the sweetest gal without a pre-arranged apptmt. =) I had a good day!

My God! My Tourniquet,
Return to me salvation. ~Evanescence

"What the world needs - is pure, sweet, naive, innocent, no defences, first love" ~fren Lydia

"Your thoughts create your destiny" ~Fr Luke Fong, during a mass today

I've said before that I really want to laugh - to laugh out loud, to laugh hard, to just let it go till I get a tummyache. I realise tht I have many things to smile abt. But how many of these things am I truly glad to be smiling for? I thought I've been laughing, but its not a pure happy laugh. its put-on, just like my smile.
I smirk when I see something tht I think has dubious undertones, and I feel gleeful when no one else notices it. I see all the double-entendres, the double-meanings. I see them all cos I've become a cynic.
Jokes aren't funny anymore, comedies just turn up a lopsided smile at best, the most I can get out of me is a smile of approval.
I've been wanting to go on a journey of self-discovery, I've told some frens tht I've been considering joining my cuz at Peru.. I realise tht tht trip may no longer be necessary - I know what it is I've lost. I've lost my humour.

"the most wasted of all days is one without laughter" ~E.E. Cummings

"A home in which there is no laughter is only a house" ~G. H. Knight

impulse buys
Most ppl see smtg tht looked so good, at that point in time, tht they just HAD to buy it. I was bored, and almost ended up with a piercing.. luckily I din see any stud at tht shop tht I just HAD to have..
I've alwiz wanted an eyebrow piercing for the longest time.. i have no explanation as to why - it wouldn't look good with my face, and I'm not into piercings. so help me explain why this compulsion is so apparent in me? Another reason I stopped myself was cos the price of tht piercing just din seem real - $60!??
some impulse buys are more regrettable than others. haha..

I noe some ppl who can work and work and work.. sure, they set time to do other stuff and have fun too, but whereas the rest of us have "slacking" time, where we just laze arnd, sleep, bludge in front of the tv, or sit and stare, these ppl, if they aren't working, would be doing smtg else just as constructive. There is no rest, rest is when its time to sleep - and they take the mandatory 3 hours or so only. Otherwise, they'll be doing smtg or other, never wasting time.
Hell, even me writing abt such ppl is considered a waste of time by their standards! I tot I could be tht kind of guy - but it seems tht I'm treasuring my out-of-office time as well, and instead of work on my other stuff as I thought I could do, I destress and hang with frens. And while I'm in the office, I do things like blog. haha
So mebbe I'm not cut out to be really successful? or really hardworking? its not glam, its not deadend, its just not me. This is of course, in comparison again.. ohwell.. mebbe instead of being one of the high-flying working ppl, I could be just a mediocre working dude? good enuff?

The difference between uni essays and research for work:
uni ("the 1st 3 idyllic years" -shuyin)
-you're given a month
-you have a word limit
-you write abt smtg tht interests u
-u can bullshit cos u just have to convince the lecturer
-u can score just by having good english
-if you turn out a piece of crap, u can make up during the final exam

real life
-you're given a week
-you have to cover all bases - wat word limit? just keep it simple!
-you write abt smtg tht is assigned to u
-u can't bullshit cos business decisions are based on wat u churn out
-score? when the venture pans out THEN u score, good english or not
-if you turn out a piece of crap, u get fucked-over then fired.

Now GET CRACKING!

*update*
courtesy of shuyin:

hons year essays
- you have four essays and presentations crammed into a month so that gives you a few days for each if you're lucky
- the word limit is never enough but you'll still sound like you're rambling
- you're sick to death of the subject and writing about it is worse than having a toxic disease that makes your intestines bleed through bodily orifices
- if you bullshit you get crap grades. if you don't bullshit you still get crap grades
- your english is never good enough; one misplaced comma and you're down a grade
- if you turn in a piece of crap, your exams are guaranteed to be worse

its not nice to talk abt friends the way I do sometimes.. its a whole speak your mind thing - but bear the consequences.. I've been wracked by guilt.. and it took me 2 days to remove the post.. was i trying to get sympathy? was I trying to pull a stunt? was i trying to make her feel bad? I dunno.. emotions can get the most of me sometimes.. and most of the time, its not a nice thing at all. learn dude.. u can hurt ppl like dat..

Let Me Be The One
The Carpenters

Some sleepless night,
if you should find yourself alone,
Let me be the one you run to,
Let me be the one you come to
when you need someone to turn to,
Let me be the one.

To set things right
when this old world’s turned upside down,
Let me be the one you run to,
Let me be the one you come to
when you need someone to turn to,
Let me be the one.

For love and understanding,
to find a quiet place;
For silent understanding,
a loving touch.
Come to me when things go wrong
and there’s no love to light the way.

Let me be the one you run to,
Let me be the one you come to
when you need someone to turn to,
Let me be the one.

caught between childlikeness and being grown-up. where are we actually? certain situations demand tht we behave in a way tht may be more like what we really are, and others demand tht we be something different. in life, we face many situations where we make subconscious choices as to how we should be. we gauge our surroundings and let it dictate what we do.
Acting like a kid, a throwback to our childish days would let those witnessing it to lower their guard, this shows a more private side of us. allowing the ones privy to this to get closer on the relationship scale.
Then there are those times when u need to get the confidence of ppl. acting kiddish will just bury u; maturity and discipline are aspects of adulthood which we choose to show more of then. allowing them to trust u to handle it.
what affects our choices in this decision? as mentioned, it is subconscious, most of the time. but those who have mastery over controlling others' emotions can make conscious decisions to influence how others perceive us. Insidious? its called having "ppl-skills"..
when we're young, we all wanna be grown up; when we're getting old, we all wish to be younger. plus the manipulation of behaviour to control attitudes towards u, what we have is a nice little paradox.. bravo.

The ghosts of the past seem to be resurfacing. once upon a time I tot they'd been laid to rest - but tonite I realised that they've never actually left. they just took on a different guise.
How can one be assured of himself if he's alwiz making comparisons? satisfaction will never be gained. insecurities will alwiz remain, and one can never be happy.. When I was young, my mom would alwiz bring up references to so-and-so's kid who was doing so well, scoring so high, getting watever achievements.. all my life I was being compared to another whom I may not even noe. In Singapore, I believe I'm not the only one like this. I daren't say its a Singaporean thing - stemming from our 'kiasu' nature.. but well.. it very well may be so. We're alwiz having performance indicators - to find out the top 10 schools, best eating places, top 10 businesses, no.1 broadcast channel, etc etc.. even in sch, we were given a ranking of where we stood in our entire cohort. Luckily, I was alwiz pretty high up, coming from neighbourhood schs, but I bet it would have been quite depressing for the kid who was last in the entire cohort in ANY school.
In any case, this very nature that is so within us could very well be responsible for disappointment and anxiety that exists in our world. Kudos to the man who can look at something thru the eyes of a child.

I need to smile again. I need to really laugh out loud. I want to.

I was sitting at the taka fountain tonite, contemplating on the stuff tht I mite have missed out in life while growing up. Some things are such tht once u miss it, you'll never get it back again - never have another chance at it. we learn by trial and error, but wat abt the times where u can err but once? these will never come back and present themselves to you - there are no wat ifs, no had i done this, or if onlys..
Returning to the point, I look at groups and youths, i look at frens and hear their stories.. oftentimes I realise tht I'm listening intently to what they have to say, the experiences tht they wanna share, the differences in what they did, and what they did. In the end, its not abt what you've gone thru, cos we're all unique - we do/ have done things differently, no two ppl are alike, no two ppl will go thru the same experiences. mebbe some of us are better story-tellers, it doesn't mean that our own experiences are incomparable to the next fella's?
I still believe in living the here and now, and not to dwell too much on moments gone by. I believe in trying new things. and to find the ultimate adventure. Just cos someone is doing smtg differently right now is no reason for me to lament and bury my head into the ground!? I have just as many stories to tell, as many things tht I've done tht I'm proud of, if not more..
Now, I just wanna go sleep.. nite frens!

People could learn so much.. if they just shut up and listen.
I met up with an old acquaintance tonite. I think way back when, I was kinda a "baby-sitter".. I took care of her, went everywhere with her, kept her company when she'd nothing better to do, chaperoned her at clubs.. all cos her jealous then-boyfren was my buddy. I realised that was wat kept us together during tht period of time. I guess in retrospect, things were such that we were never really meant to be tht close. it was just circumstance tht left us there. I was young and stupid then - had no idea how to deal with situations. smtg happened tht made me do the dax-thing - cutting the person off frm my life (I can't recall wat it was). and we hadn't seen each other in years.. more than 3 years definitely.
so we met up. I can't define how I'm feeling - u noe how u sometimes wished u din disturb the dust-covered book (cos it stirred up more dust than provided knowledge)? tht's kinda how I feel.. it wasn't anything wrong really, it was nice meeting up and catching up, of course. its alwiz nice meeting frens..
Perhaps its the overall melancholy of the week tht's cast this shroud over everything I'm feeling.. everything seems to be affecting me somehow or other - none in the positive way so far. Times like these, I take comfort in looking up at the immense night sky - clear, moonlit; a vast open expanse.

Dax wrote:
> How ya doing? hope all's been good. miss ya. =)

she's not been good. I miss her. I really do. thus the msg. and she really appreciated tht. my best fren who left the life here for a supposedly better one down-under.
I just wanna be with her now, just do wat we used to do. She's in need of a fren, and I wanna be tht fren to her now. just noeing tht there's someone there (tho so far away), just isn't enuff sometimes.
but what can i do? wat can I do indeed..
Miss you much Alicia.

we're no longer bound by the 9-5 work routine. We all sit in front of our pcs, we chat, we study, we read, we listen, we watch. its all part of the internet culture. so we spend most of our waking hours in front of our pcs. of course we go out, we live life, and when we return home, we return to our pcs.
So there I was, I started the morning at work by turning on the notebook. I sat there, went for lunch, went for an apptmt, returned, and before I knew it, it was 5:30pm.. I carried on..
we no longer respond to time frames like wat our parents did - there's no separation between work and leisure.. when we're working, we have our leisure side by side there as well.. work is no longer work, it has been balanced out by technology. making life better.

Threat rating: Medium. Your total lack of decent
family values makes you dangerous, but we can
count on some right wing nutter blowing you up
if you become too high profile.


What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Some Trojan humour..

"Straight for the buttocks there - typically french.."
Check this out..

"She's like a french goose before christmas!"
Click ..

"the flip and dock.. it CAN go horribly wrong.."
Clack..

First day in the new office with Kaz of Kazworks! it was quite fun.. was admittedly expecting some discomfiture, for some reason, but when it came to the crunch, i was totally at ease. it was damn cool! we're going shopping for food on monday!! (to bring to the office). We've got a view of the Galleria Hotel's swimming pool (which I predict is gonna be my most favourite view for the next few months), which has glass sides so u can see the swimming bodies - so voyeuristic, and a nice board-room table to do our work on.
Have I become a corporate slave, as wat dear ole Joanna was afraid tht she'd become when she did her internship at Accenture? I dun think this counts tho.. Nothing but good things to say this nite. =)

The Office -
Its got wall-to-wall glass on 2.5 sides of it. its actually a small conference room, so we've got a long board-table to share between the both of us and lots of chairs... nice comfy rolling ones with adjustable arm rests.. there's a plant there which I tot was fake at first, bet a coffee with karen, then realised it was real. and tht's about it i guess. its a really nice place. =)

Going for a drinking party. a real proper drinking party. the kind u get into when u insinuate tht certain ppl have very little alcohol tolerance. Just 3 or 4 guys. no games. just drinking. straight up, one for one.
I've got work pending, but I've agreed to go. what kind of worker am I? gee.. mebbe a drunk one. perhaps I mite attain some nirvanic insight into the workings of life? better than innane ramblings of a disillusioned bum.. =)

*update* wow. zonked out last nite. i even left my computer on. shites. damn mr dragon! lousy cheaters!

I guess I caught on to this kinda late. I may have been informed, or even seen some of this before.. but I dun think I've been this affected.. the food we eat.. the processes that go into it. the preparation. we all noe tht part. but do u noe what goes on before the meats reach your supermarket? Meet your Meat. (a porno)
We noe tht all the livestock is just meant for humans to consume. When the world was smaller, we hunted, killed and processed livestock too. different methods were employed, based on the different cultures. we may or may not approve of each of these. but with the introduction of mass production, easy, cheap and efficient methods arose. Our livestock stopped being considered living things then onward. they just contributed to consumption. after all, the human population was growing, it needed to be fed, just increase production to match the demand, and try to keep costs as low as you can.
The end result? pure, unadulterated cruelty. and we live with our eyes closed, and our tummies full. do we want our food to cost more? do we want to have to change our diets? so do we just remain apathetic? i can only cry now.

You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

As the sun went down on the tired worker, he trudged on to his bike, and got on it. then he smiled. he had remembered tht he needed to get a little smtg special before heading home tonite - orange hair magic..
Working late into the night, he was late in getting ready. He drew his eyes, changed his hair colour, then later donned his white n blue outfit. It was All Hallow's Eve, and anything could happen. smtg did happen - by 11pm, Kenshin was raised from the dead.

Posing with Navin & posse, posing with Morticia (Gayle) & posse, posing with sweet Val.

Went to Gerard's little house party. was quite cool, but when the gals left, we figured it was time to leave too, before Stuart got into a fight with himself. so Mike n me went over to East Coast Big Splash - The Tunnel (was it?) for a party.. no comments.. was way too tired to enjoy myself. note to self - dun force self to party just cos u think u deserve it.
But i learnt tht applying make-up is a real art! kudos to the ladies who noe how to apply make-up such tht we can't tell at all. and its quite fun too. heh..

click.. funny. laff.

Shiny Happy People
I used to tell people that I really had no gay frens. I really dunno anyone who was openly gay or told me tht he was gay. I've suspected a classmate or two way back in secondary sch, and even in JC, but tht's abt it. I think there's something abt me tht says "Gay men, stay away".. not that I'm ever going to be inclined that way of course..
Today I met 2 of them. openly gay. I even felt stigmatised to be called "straight"! haha.. but I guess I'm glad for one thing - the moment they see me, they could tell that I'm straight. They didn't even need to check or anything. I guess that could be why I've nvr been approached by one before. never really had tht "problem".
I was homo-phobic at some points in my younger life, but today, I was good. I was comfortable somehow, except during the minute or so tht they both crowded arnd one of the iBooks (abt the time one was showing the other his collection of naked men/ boy pictures). Apart from that, there really isn't anything to 'fear'.. or wat not. I noe ALCY alwiz mentioned wanting to beat one up if ever one decided to get too close. All I can say is things have changed for me, and for all I noe, I mite wind up having a gay fren or 2 in my life.
Just a milestone moment in my life I guess. had to put it down here.

Tonite, I could breathe.. =)

I was so amazed at some of my friends and how far they've come since graduating. I've alwiz marvelled at ppl who seem so adult-like, so grown-up. I tot tht I had to be like tht in order to grow up too. Why do we lose our ability to have fun as we get older? Is being mature and stiff de rigeur for our journey in life? People keep telling us to grow up, stop being a kid, behave properly, act your age..
Then something or someone comes along and demolishes everything you've been told. I have a friend- She has no qualms abt letting loose. She's been working a regular job for the past 6 years, and can decide today that she wants to leave it all behind and pursue her first love. Wherever she is, she finds some way to let loose and just let go. She's the kind of person who does cartwheels on the lawn of a club, while people are watching. She can dance in a car attracting the attention of a stranger in a car next to us, just so "he can be entertained in this jam". Here I am, way younger than she is, and I feel I'm so old compared to her.
We live to get older, but find that we miss the fun we had when we were being kids. So why abandon it? I'm sure there are many areas in our lives that we can inject some kiddishness into, just to liven things up abit. Just cos we're older doesn't mean we have to be.
Happy Birthday Ju!

I love making people happy.
Birthday greetings go out to the following wonderful people on the 27th of October (according to number of letters in the name):

1) Jeanette
2) Gail
3) Elf

May you just be wiser (without the older bits)!

To some ppl, I have done a shitload of things. to others, wat I've done is of no consequence, cos they've done many other things. I dun think there's much of a comparison to be made at all. in the end, when u talk to someone, its a chance to find out if you can match character-wise.. its not abt outdoing someone, or being better than someone. its abt trying to merge one's own characteristics with that of another person's.. its abt a genuine interest in finding out abt another person..
The thought tht inspired this got lost, and I'll just end here before I get anymore confused..

You do not realise how dangerous it is to ride pillion on a motocycle! I ride a bike, and I noe the possibility of crashing is quite large. I noe tht its me tht's wrapping the bike, and not the metal tht's around me. I dun normally offer rides to ppl anymore, I dun insist that they ride with me, cos I noe its not safe, and tht by saying yes, they have agreed to put their lives into my hands. I knew tht before. I knew the responsibilities and dangers. but I realised today, the immensity of this trust..
I was riding with Mike to go catch the movie abt Bill.. I usually have thoughts of crashing while riding, tht alwiz reminds me to be safe and alert. somehow, the height of the bike and imagining the frailty of the situation, the lack of control while sitting behind someone and letting tht someone guide your life thru tht road. I had those flashes again, and I got so scared.. narrow space between cars, cars behind. if u get hit, or if u hit.. where will u fly to? what will there be rite behind u? one mistake. that's all it takes.
Why do u still dare to ride? Why do u still long to feel the wind in your face? Why do u not fear for your life? have u considered what you'll be leaving behind? who you'll be leaving behind? Who's gonna clear up your mess? Who're u gonna make cry?
Worse still - what if u barely survive? who's gonna take care of you? how are they gonna do that?
Think abt tht.. and alwiz think twice before asking for/accepting a joyride/ lift..

Kill Bill must be the ultimate trashy movie for me! I loved it! it has samurai, swords, japanese, bikes, japanese school girls, uma thurman, lucy liu.. haha.. everything for a trashy movie! and I was lucky I went with a bunch of like-minded ppl.. my NUS kendo group! so we made many loud comments during the movie, there was lots of unrestrained giggling, and we all laughed at the right parts, some wrong parts too (esp the way uma thurman held her sword)! I dun think it'd have been the same if I'd gone with my parents or if I'd gone with non-sword-wielding frens. oh well.. its great that every once in a while, a good trashy flick comes abt specifically for the purpose of commenting and shouting at thru-out the movie.. and not the kind u feel guilty abt lambasting..

We're off to Malaysia for the day!! in a little big white subaru impreza, 5 ppl, driving.. up somewhere in JB to go play with horsies! Give me a Wyld Stallyn anyday!! ride 'em cowboy!! See you in a day, assuming the Wyld Stallyn dun kill me first, or assuming I dun get my head lopped off by a stray branch while on a trail, or assuming the cops in M'sia dun stop us for uncalled for fines, or assuming that our driver, Willy, can take Malaysian roads well, or assuming that......
geez... just go will ya? *toodles*

*update*
I had a real blast with Willy, JY, Ju & Kaz today. It was just totally hilarious frm start to end! As mentioned, we were to do a roadtrip up to a place called Riders' Lodge just past Johor Bahru to do some horse-riding. We scheduled to meet at 9am, in hopes of getting there at 11am for our lesson. I woke on time, but took my time getting ready, JY & Kaz rushed to meet me so we could go meet Willy n Ju in town. Ju was there on time, forgot her map, and had Willy send her home. In the end, we all finally met at - 910am.. and upon hitting the Malaysian side of No Man's Land, realised that we were LATE as hell.. considering the long long JAM!
Anyway, we finally arrived at our destination and got our food out for picnic on the lawn.. it was great, especially since we missed our 11am lesson (which was still to be charged!).. We later went out to the stables to meet our rides - I am unafraid of dogs cos I can gauge their reactions and behave accordingly.. but with horses.. I felt something like fear..

Anyways, the whole thing started out quite funnily cos Willy's horse almost rolled over him! Trust his good survival instincts which kept him frm being crushed! the trail ride in the end was kinda a let down tho as we couldn't go faster than a slow walk.. cos we were unskilled (well, at least 3 of us were) and despite signing the indemnity form, were still not allowed to even TROT! I must interject here that I did envision, in my mind's eye, me galloping thru open fields on a Wyld Stallyn... *sigh* the need for speed had never threatened to emerge more than during tht walk thru the plantation...

Moving on, we had a great seafood dinner at Eden (smtg) near the coast of JB, I can almost see Singapore! 2 Chilli crabs, 2 Black Pepper Crabs (which I highly recommend!!), Assam Sotong, Cereal Prawns, some veg, Man Tou, all for RM114! It was a FANTASTIC meal! There were periods where we all said nothing cos all of us were busy stuffing our faces! We strolled thru the coastal shopping mall, and ended up sitting back and relaxing by the sea.
Got home, and just collapsed.. it was a good day. =)

Note:- the immigration system at Malaysia just SUCKS somehow.. They take the same time to process the passports, but the damn queue is JUST SO DAMN LONG!!!!!!!!!!! Going there and coming back.. we were in a jam tht lasted almost an hour or so.. what did SG do to shorten it? teach those buggers PLEASE!

What's been happening to this Dude..
I had to do research today and came across this interesting article in one of my favourite online publications in a random search - "How I Got Kicked Out of a Fashion Show"
Anyway, many thanks to the hairy one, Cerebrus, again for loaning me his nice little IBM Thinkpad for my work purposes.. I'm currently getting used to it.

Just to keep up with what's been happening - I will be doing an internship in Kaz's marketing consultancy business - kazworks! I got hired not based on my resume, no, she doesn't believe in CVs. Instead, I got hired cos she had a gut feeling that we would be able to work together fine.. (and also on top of the fact tht I came cheap.. =P)
Anyways, I'm gonna be more like a partner.. main role being a "suit" - account executive.. cool name for a person who basically does liaisons, keeps to a tight schedule and makes use of every single lobang he can find to get the job done. Its not boring work at all - oh no man.. its damn hectic, damn stressed, and should be (is so far) quite fun! Is so far? yea.. I've sorta been working for Kazworks! already.. been planning our website, timelines, and now, gathering our company's portfolio so we can make a pitch for an upcoming bid. cool eh?
We arranged to meet at this production studio today to view a corporate video. I wore pin-stripe pants, and a white long-sleeved shirt with a tie in my bag, just in case. She arrived in jeans, and this cute purple halter-thing. I slapped my forehead and promptly folded up my sleeves..
Let me update you on my dreams.. yes, for someone who hardly dreams, I have been having ALOT of dreams in the last week. Everyone's been saying its cos I'm stressed from anticipation. You see, Kaz is a fun gal to go out with, and generally have fun with, but when it comes to work - she's quite a slave-driver. Let me give you my favourite example:

Upon agreeing to work for her, I received 5 emails from her within that one night (just for agreeing)!

That's about when the dreams started. I slept late, like 3-4am, and woke by 8am.. of course I was damn shagged tht whole day!! The second late nite in a row, I realised I was dreaming whilst in the dream and I woke myself up shouting "NOT AGAIN!!??!" to the sun shining in my face @ 7:30am. *sigh* what do YOU think?

In other work-related news - my previous project for Samanea is almost complete - and I've received 2 payments already. Its quite cool to earn money... hehe.. more research projects coming from there in the coming weeks/months (they're happy with my thorough and well-researched results! haha).
I've finally gotten off my bum. feel my pride.

This is smtg to definitely TRY!!
Skittlebrau! Lemme at 'em!!!
Thks to the hairy one - Cerebrus..

Extract of The Big Chase Part III , b-sides by Genshi

I love you, I tell her. I love you and I want us to be together like this forever. My heart is in a torment because my life is a bundle of tangled shreds. But when I'm with you I feel free. I feel like there is nothing to worry about. I feel that everything is right.

She looks at me and smiles. I sit up and we face each other, touching each other's face.

"We don't need to be together forever," she says. "Just every once in a while, I will appear and just every once in a while we'll be this happy."

But I want it to be like that everyday. You by my side, always.

"You don't understand a thing, do you?" She's right, I don't understand a damn thing.

A friend once told me that I should not look for happiness in the form of another person. And this was reinforced again by another fren very recently - you have to be happy with whom u are without the interference of another being, for how will u be able to find yourself if they other being were to be suddenly ripped away?
Being alone by circumstance, and being alone by choice is totally different. I would like to say tht I'm alone cos I have chosen to be. and I could also blame my being alone to other factors - mostly mental. whichever way u look at it, there's an excuse lying in wait. so wat's the point of bringing it up at all?
cyclic ramblings of a disillusioned bum. just to waste your time. good nite.

I dun ask for good looks or great skin, I dun ask for double eyelids, or collagen-enhanced cheeks. I dun ask for a sharper nose, or smaller nostrils. I dun ask for dimples or clefts in chins, nor do i ask for high cheekbones or a squared jaw.
All i ask for is normalcy.
I want to be able to bite. I want to be one of the crowd, I want to be human traffic that goes by unnoticed, without attracting unwanted attention. I want to be treated like one of u, not to have someone be condescending towards me. I want to speak to ppl without wondering if they're dying to noe or not. I want ppl to sit beside me and not treat me like i'm some diseased freak. i want to be given a fair chance with opportunities tht say "pleasant disposition". i want the option to be more than just friends.

Ok, I'm not in any self-pity state or wat. its just tht I had a chat with Kaz n Ju some nites ago and they asked some rather pertinent questions abt my upcoming jaw/mandible surgery. they offered some rather poignant insights which I've been thinking abt since then. they also mentioned tht since i'm doing the op, tht mebbe i could tell the doc to do some re-constructive surgery at the same time, and tell them how i want to look like, ie. some sq-jawed dude or model or wat. so I considered a few of the good looking guys in mags. but after awhile, I realised, I dun wanna look like any of them - I wanna look like me, without the extra 'blessings'. I'll be happy with tht really. really, i would.
I’ve gotten on with my life, i have accomplished things that have given me confidence. I walk with my head held high, and i look you straight in the eye. i am comfortable with the state of my life.. until smtg happens tht will just remind me tht I’m different. Sometimes its not me being sensitive – sometimes its pointblank and in your face. there’s no way to avoid it. there are several types of ppl in this society of ours. If you’ve no idea wat I’ve been saying above, then u’re one of the good guys. everyone deals with assholes every single day of our lives. There are idiots out there, those are the ones tht will never let u forget. Those are the ones who are responsible for a lot of the problems in our world. not much we can do abt it is there?

I've got my own dot.com email address!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!!!! thks to my technical support developer Joong Onn! WTG dude! If u need to create dynamic web pages, or host your website on a cool server, this is the man to get! ever helpful and oh so very efficient!
You can now contact me at my corporate email address - dax@samanea.com (as well as quah.dax.c@alumni.nus.edu.sg, and my old ones tht u prolly noe, or not, but it doesn't matter)..
=)))
*update*
And now, announcing the latest of my corporate emails - dax@kazworks.com!!!

Big Jay's Birthday!
Kinda sad cos I left early.. did promise him tht I'd be going for drinks at Ritz later too.. I'm a damn lousy fren la..

I remember Big Jay as the guy who made going to work during NS fun! We'd go for coffee breaks together, sit and relax at the QAB-Bar, indulge in their bikkies (we paid to join too - they alwiz got good bikkies - cos the despatch ppl {me!} usu bought it for them enroute! - and endless supply of milo!), and just talk abt life and love.. we clicked.. we made fun of the same ppl, and we went out on the occasion too. Once we did this cool thing - we took turns to write a sentence on a piece of paper. each sentence tht we came up with had to start with the last word used in the preceding sentence. unspoken, we came up with a "poem" that had shades of sadness and beauty.. a really cool poem it was. I still have it! but this one's not gonna appear on juneandtheocean.. oh no.. this is quite special. we shared many great sketches on post-it pads too.. =)
Spaz is a great chef - specialising in pastas. I have this fond memory of going to his place, and checking out his vcds, and mtvs while he was in the kitchen experimenting with corned beef! I've never liked corn beef better than when the big dude prepared it! I always said the he should pursue a stand-up comedy act, cos he's just so funny.. and he makes such comments abt ppl... get this... IN FRONT of them! no, not behind.. in front. and they're alwiz HILARIOUS (to us, not to the insulted)! Anyways, I shall desist from gushing abt this dude who made NS great for me.. lest all the rest of u start pestering him (somehow..).
He's finally found a great place to work at (Marche), which suits his busted ankle fine (busted it during NS, on the way to work!), and I try to drop by on the occasion. They've got this disgusting tees for uniforms now tho.. ergh.. so if u see this big guy working behind the meats/steaks section at Orchard Marche - walk by and wink at him!
Jason - here's to another great year ahead of u!

Elf began an argument tonite just as I was abt to go sleep - one should put links of fren's blogs onto one's own blog - so tht frens can inter-blog. It also implies tht at least, u give 2 hoots abt tht fren.
so.. here is my temporary link to Elf's page. salut!

A friendly person. that smiling face, ever cheerful. you meet and u bond just like dat. u think u've met a great person who could be a fab fren. but u learn a lot more in time. that person is like that to everyone, and that's how they make a living - being frenly to everyone.
:Wow, they noe so much abt u, how well do u noe them?
:oh.. hardly actually.. this is my 2nd project with them.. haha

where does that place u? are u a fren or not? is that potential to be really great frens still valid?
:you're so nice to me, do u treat everyone u just meet like dat?
:well, its only so often tht u only meet ppl u can click with and share tht special bond just like dat, so once i find it, i take it!
:ok then, so when was the last time u met someone u din like?
:umm... I can't recall..

I figure its just me. I'm just paranoid. I've alwiz had a mistrust of ppl.. ever since a certain boy pushed me into a fish pond of a certain gal whom i had a crush on when I was a wee laddie.. all the way till now. In any case, most ppl would just dive into this frenship rite? why should i be so calculative and all tht? frenship is abt more than wat u get out of it. not abt expecting to get hurt!
Jump in and enjoy the ride, sez I..

Chalk up another win for the previously-mentioned "method"..
I went out with a female friend last week, she seemed like she wanted me to be a buffer with some company she was to be with tht nite. turns out only this guy came in the end, and we all had a nice 2-hour chat and some drinks at a nice bar in town. I remember the dude as having some problems, he was bogged down, weary, tired.. just needed someone to talk to, and share the burden. This fren of mine had tht concerned look - you have my full attention, and I'm enjoying your company.. the signs were there, but I just dismissed them.
Earlier this evening, I got a msg from a mutual party. She's attached to tht dude! again.. refer to post dated Fri Oct 10, 05:31:33 PM. Another one bites the dust, i say.. but since I dunno the guy all tht well, I can't say he's a player or wat la.. I shan't make any comments, I enjoyed tht nite out as well, and he's a great guy. but I just wanted to say "I TOLD YOU SO!"

argh... the smell...
I put in this old RAM module I had somewhere into my badly under-memoried PC earlier. Somehow the module must have picked up helluva lotta static or smtg cos when I turned on the comp, the damn thing FRIED!
Luckily nothing else was hurt on my baby comp, so everything's fine for now.. but oh.. the smell of burnt components.. its disgusting! and it lingers for so damn long... been a bloody 15 mins already and I'm still inhaling it!
*update* I came back 6 hrs later, and the stench was STILL foul..

Seems there're a lot of people going into freelance web design/development. There are jobs out there, but I just wonder if its the way to go? Sure, in the short term, it'll pay some debts and bills, but wat of the long term? I'm so unsure what to do now..

This is cool. in Life! no less. Denise sent me this link today with a msg "so sweet!!!" check it out..
Also, this article on Friendster, sent by MaNgO.

New Favourite Websites:
1) Paprika (France)
2) Paprika (Singapore)
I wanna be able to create smtg like these one day!

Are You Annoying or Not? (Quiz #1)
Points: 52
You have been classified as "moderately annoying". Although this is nothing to be concerned about, our experts believe that there's still room for improvement.

Are You Annoying or Not? (Quiz #2) - Results
Your total score is: 74
Annoying
Although you could have scored worse, our experts have pinned you as being "annoying." This is nothing to worry about, but if you want people to stop making faces behind your back, it would be best if you consider some adjustments in your life.

okla.. from these, u can see that I am NOT tht bad rite?! I'm really not annoying at all! *relief* never understood why some ppl say I'm annoying.. mebbe they meant annoying in a sweet way? hahahaha

I guess Prema was right.. in life, I should have a plan..
I have let many opportunities slip me by, even if its just the slightest hint of gold. I came out with the intention of having fun with friends, yet I lost sight of the long term goal. How many ppl did I meet tonite tht I did not even introduce myself to? how many did I not even ask how they were? how many where there whom I knew not their names?
by doing so, my doors were opened slightly, but if I were to do so consistently, the doors would have been thrown open by now. I have had many ppl telling me stuff these few weeks, most of which have been perfectly sound advice. sometimes I wish I took my own advice too.
I dunno how to say this.. nvm. *sleep*

*update*
OKTOBERFEST @ Paulaner's!!!

Misc pics of Lesley, Adrian Koh, Shuyin, Joanna, Evan & Prema.

fab fab fab fab fab fab
german band, live band, good brew (specially made for the event!), good food, outdoor seating, good crowd, great company. need i say more? Lesley should have gone up and gotten that autograph of Chistopher Lee (Mediacorp actor) AND proclaimed tht she loved him in Lord of the Rings! That woulda been a fabulous cap for the nite!
post-party at Coyote Ugly (BQ), hmm... not as exciting as I tot it would be.. mebbe cos the gals on the bar top weren't exactly spontaneous. I think paid dancers do it too often tht they lose the extra smtg tht's needed to make it look good.
still.. fun fun fun fun

Karen smiling. Gail drinking. Joanna dancing.

a comparison to be made:
while the Lit Honours ppl frm NUS are out guzzling beer and eating weiners, the ICM Hons ppl are playing badminton, and the Soci Hons ppl are doing their thesis proposals, and the Southeast Hons ppl are having meetings..
What am I doing partying with the Lit Hons ppl u may be asking? I myself was from Soci/ICM combination.. =) let's just say I've got good connections!

also: Lesley's fren Junie (frm archi) is HOT!

There's this age-old tried and tested method - get a gal alone, and show her the sensitive, misunderstood side of u. the side tht u dun show everyday, the secretive, deep emotional side. gals tend to have this motherly bit where they go all concerned and helpful, wanting to allow u a listening ear, cos they feel tht u should just talk, and let it all out, a comforting hug, a warm embrace..
but they dun realise that guys dun talk the way gals talk. gals talk, they get emotive, its the cathartic reaction that they derive from it tht makes them feel all nice and fuzzy after tht. the comforting hug, the warm embrace..
guys only talk when they want to exploit that from a gal. guys talk to evoke that feeling from the gal. and guys make use of that - the comforting hug, the warm embrace..
woe be the airhead who thinks that she's helping him by providing him a listening ear.
but let's be fair, there are guys who talk too. so whom should u open yourself up to then if guys are such deceptive assholes? simple - just make sure it ain't someone u just met. or who just broke up (or u suspect may be looking for an alternative). or who are smooth players.
dun be stupid now.

I realise a lot of blogs tend to have short descriptives of the owner, and I seem to be missing that. i.e:

I am Krunch
18 | singaporean | boy | air-head
guitars | too much hair | little much else

or

Jenna Jameson
She is - actress; adult; porn;
big tits; lesbian; straight; bi..

so I'm just thinking mebbe I should do smtg like dat.. thinking..

second ever Singapore Flash Mob!
could this be it? you've read abt it.. its happened in Sydney (or Melbourne) quite recently.. a bunch of ppl suddenly appear, do something stupid, and then leave in a minute.. its called... a FLASH MOB!
And now.. its come to our sunny organised and politically correct island called Singapore!! so exciting!! I 'm gonna try to be there.. check it out!!
This Saturday - on an MRT.. a PARTY! woohoo!!

*update*
I woke up late and felt damn sick - could be cos the community service work I did in the morning. anyway, in the end I decided not to rush down, and rested instead. Wasn't a waste - it got POSTPONED anyway... due to "lack of contact".. wtf? Chris went down to take a look (Dhoby Ghaut MRT), but said he couldn't find anyone..
I think they'll lose steam this way.. very easily lose their momentum.. empathy in SG culture rearing its lazy face once again?

"...so sweet she's caramelized!"

I had an interesting discussion with a friend. She feels tht "sweet is over-rated".. as a result:

the different uses of the descriptive word "sweet".
1) "She's quite sweet ah?" - referring to a person being of quite nice personage. usually only applies to ppl (more gals than guys.. ) who exude the girl-next-door attitude.
2) "aww, tht's sweet of you" - referring to persons who've done smtg nice to/for/on u, altho not necessarily unknown to u (it could be just smtg polite to say in return for wat was done to/for/on u).
3) "She's sweet" (matter of factly) - meaning a person may or may not be rather nice, but you have nothing better to say, and so in order to be polite when asked, rather than saying "she's normal" (to which some ppl mite get offended), u safely say "she's sweet".
4) "She's sweeeeet!" (with some excitement almost akin to Squirt of Finding Nemo fame) - meaning a person is a really great package, but yet u dun wanna seem over-enthusiastic and giving away tht u're not in control of your emotions (and say smtg like "ohmigod she's so hot I'd tear my clothes off and run arnd naked just to get her to look at me!").
5) "She's so sweet she's caramelized!" - referring to "tart-y" gals who are beyond girl-next-door, and have gone on to bad girl-who-opens-many-doors!

and wat of the sweetest gal I noe? well.. pick a number.

28 Days Later...

I saw a poster for it some time back.. it wasn't showing then, but it was one of those flicks tht I want to watch.. it came steathily, so unlike the enraged-virulent-people. before I knew it, the movie's run was going to end already! Adrian Koh was keen on it as well, and we decided one nite at Athar tht we were to catch tht movie, and soon..
After some hiccups and long travelling to find a movie tht we both could make, we went.. I find tht director Danny Boyle's formula does indeed work - having non-stars act in a horror flick - u never noe who's gonna die at any time.. I like films tht can put u thru different feelings - fear, sadness, humour and death. There were many themes tht emerged tht Adrian and I were able to point out and comment on. One recurrent theme of note would be tht man has been killing man since time immemorial (wars, terrorism, hate, fear), why is it any different when there's a virus tht inbibes ppl to go arnd killing each other? its essentially still man killing man - just thru a different agent.
the whole bluntness it was delivered during a dinner scene by the major, which left a lingering silence.. seeming to echo the viewers own thought-process. beaut! the intro scenes of protests and war come back to mind during these moments as well.
It was gory, whenever Jim was in danger, the camera lost its focus, allowing the viewer to get the sense of panic tht the protagonist felt at tht point in time.. just run! and when the infected were performing atrocities on someone, there would be increasingly quick cutscenes and the camera angle would be really shaky - the viewer is unable to see exactly wat is being done, but will most definitely be cringing (the sound was pretty intense too). in a sense, its cool cos the movie budget being small, but it led to an experimentation of these camera effects instead. in the end, the infected is just a man covered with blood, wearing red contact lenses! a big hollywood budget can't get u tht, only pretty faces screaming with mock-shock expressions.
the movie's horror-timing was a variant of hollywood's old and boring method, but enuff to still shock. music was haunting - especially when they had female vocals singing unaccompanied other than by her own echo.. how abt "deafening silences"? tht was portrayed damn well with the accompanying music when Jim was walking arnd the empty streets of london - no one, no movement, nothing in sight.. frm the silent slow strums of a guitar which built up into a crashing electric noise climax! all whilst in the silence tht was enveloping Jim..
all in all - 4/5 for a horror/gore flick.. I like.. too bad the run ends today.

Hmm... they say that people in advertising have no life? I would like to beg to differ. I have 2 contrary examples in mind (quite fresh ones too, considering my lousy memory) which will scream a huge NO WAY! at you.
These guys work hard, and they work long hours, YES.. but they play just as hard.. trust me. Examples of stuff these 2 amazing ppl have done in the last few weeks apart from work (and are planning to do) - holidayed in sentosa (and some miscellaneous regional beaches), pursued interests in shaolin, picked up salsa, kept up with frens, makanned suppers, tot of books of stuff to be written, weekend trips up to M'sia to ride horses, clubbing in M'sia.. they really go all out and play lor..
I was propositioned by Kaz today, cos she's been thinking abt getting some help for an upcoming big project. I'm really amazed at the amount of faith she has in me - in trusting me to be kinda in charge of some aspects of it.. if all goes well, she'll become my boss (or partner as she prefers to call it)! Yes! I shall be actually be employed (isn't tht new..)! Thks for the great company Juyi and Kaz! I would like to write more but I dun think I shall resist the potent sleep drug any longer... May be doing a M'sia drive up afterall sometime in Oct.. to KL.. to party? haha.. losing track of priorities as the parents would say.. traditionalism? *sigh* can't argue with some things.. or can u?

Again, I'm too tired to go on abt some stuff tht has cropped up in my head.. guess I'm losing my late-nitedness already.. good riddance! g'nite y'all.. *yawn*

"Hey, so wat were u planning to do for your day off anyways?"
"I'm planning to hv lunch wif a really nice guy. Why? =)"
A beautiful start to a promising day ahead..

*update* turns out this little lady just wanted to discuss a possible business proposal.. chey.. (can u tell she's a marketing consultant?) =P still.. was pretty fun hanging out and checking out what she does.. and the secret to success is - *drumroll*

even if I knew, as if I'm gonna publish it on a freely-read blog like this!

Apologies dear readers, I haven't really had the time to write proper entries lately, been kinda rushed. some cos of work, some cos I've to rush for some appointment. I guess it all implies that I've got things to do. which would be good I suppose.
In any case, was at this Shisha place tonite at Arab St..
Basically, shisha is a method of smoking thru a water-filtered pipe. There's no tobacco involved, only scented things.. so u order some flavour (mostly fruity), and when it comes, just place the pipe at the side of your mouth, and inhale deeply. kinda like smoking, but without the foul acrid taste of nicotine, and its much smoother. I so wanted to try it cos I tot it was kinda like smoking a bong (hehehe - anwyay, Jo said it wasn't). Only problem I had was tht I somehow couldn't TASTE the goddamned thing!! All I got was smoke, not unpleasant la, but its supposed to taste like strawberry or apple (the two flavours we ordered)!! Adrian Koh and Jo got the whole thing fine, and were enjoying themselves puffing away.. I spent the most time trying.. the only taste I got was from inhaling the stuff when it wafted by occasionally. THAT was nice, but too much of a good thing alwiz turns sour..

Anyways, after awhile I gave up. I was pouting I tell ya. Oh well. guess sometimes u just never were meant to do some things. Its kinda like why I never got hooked to smoking - I couldn't do it coolly enuff and i just hated the foul taste. I just dun understand why ppl inhale tht shit.. I noe I tried it cos I tot it was cool (yes, when u read abt those kids who started cos they tot it was cool - i might've been one of them), but it never agreed with me (and yes, I noe its a stupid reason for starting).
In any case, Shisha was an experience.. we could also do it while lying on carpets, which IMHO, would prolly have been a more authentic experience. Chalk up another notch for a new thing tht I've tried..

was supposed to go drive up to M'sia with Chris n Lor.. tht din pan out for some reasons. mostly timing. still hope to do tht soon.
many revelations swimming arnd in this tired head of mine.. have to sit down and type one day soon.

*update* I'm currently BROKE AGAIN!!!!!

Excellent movies I've watched in the last two days:
Twilight Samurai
Underworld

Twilight Samurai is just a great piece of wonderful story-telling. Lessons learned, its not wat others think of u, its how happy you are of your own station tht allows u to have a fulfilling life. also, never insult a samurai's sword/ ability.
Underworld is really great... if u love vampires, dark gothic movies, and matrix-fashion. Its shot almost entirely at night, in subterranean locales and in beautiful houses tht reek of invested vampire blood money. Best shots I loved - when Kate Beckinsale falls many floors down, lands and very quickly and nonchalantly, carries on walking..

Just at Jo's site, and found this link - Sminds.com.

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

I took this test and after getting my results, lost it, came back and did it immediately after - with some answers slightly different but still ended up with the exact same result! must be accurate... or they show the same thing to everyone...

ESTP - "Promotor". Action! When present, things begin to happen. Fiercely competitive. Entrepreneur. Often uses shock effect to get attention. Negotiator par excellence. 13% of the total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

rite...

slip sliding down into the depths of dearth again.. ladder's gone all slippy, covered in greedy grease n lonely lube. oh, i was free for such a while. a little innocent trigger and its all back. damn..
mebbe I'm just goddamned tired. gonna take a lil' nap now. see u when it gets brighter when I arise. i hope.

Just visited ifilm (thks to ALCY), a place to watch movie trailers. The thing abt trailers is tht they're short, quick n intense - movies tht may be boring as hell could look so exciting.
Thus, commercial american movies to watch out for as of now:
-> Underworld
| Dummy
| Gothika
| The Singing Detective
| Texas Chainsaw Massacre

*update* u HAVE to check out the "Uncensored" section too! =)~
and under "Games" - Making of Midtown Madness: See why the pedestrians look so real in this making-of mockumentary. Hilariously stupid!

June-Sept: a summary
What some people I know who've graduated have done-
> Established themselves in some prominent companies
> Decided the line in which they can see their careers growing
> Got their first respectable paychecks
> Experimented with other lines and realised what they don't want to do
> Concluded planning process for setting up of companies
> Started on second degree
> ORD'd

What I've done since graduating-
> Drank beer
> Danced a lot
> Worked for peanuts as a film extra
> A crappy website

> Watched a movie called Sasayaki (Moonlight Whispers) in the Japanese Film Festival last nite with Wenz, Wong & Jo. It was a pretty cool movie, I would even call it romantic if not for the themes involved.
What I loved abt it - the lovely rural Japanese landscape tht the Pervert (Hidaka) in the flick was cycling thru. I especially liked the scene where said Pervert and his soon-to-be-Dom chick gf (Kitahara) were on the bicycle speeding thru path in the mud flats. By now u should realise what a strange flick this was to be - a Pervert and a Dominatrix? Do not think tht its a movie abt strange sex, no, on the contrary, its more abt bad sex (really! the kids looked like they din noe what they were doing!). But seriously, it was essentially, really a coming-of-age movie, except tht love was not to be normal between this couple.
I liked the portrayal of the master/slave thru the use of camera height and angles, and also the mis-en-scene like the dog calendar on the wall making it seem as tho Kitahara was crying abt Hidaka being the literal dog. The ending scene where the couple sit perched on a grassy hill watching something in a distant is all too beautiful - kinda plays out MY fantasies. Too bad last nite was the last screening, but if u ever get your hands on it, I highly recommend it.
Take note that altho this relationship is based and actually started from training at a Kendo Club, it does not imply that everyone (if anyone at all) who does kendo is a masochist or a sadist! We're really normal people deep down - looking for love and pain. oops..

This was inspired by MaNgO's blog -
If the local movie "Perth" ever makes it to the bigscreen here in SG, watch out for me in these "extra" parts:


Wedding Scene
1) Standing in the background as Vernicia walks into Ballroom of Marina Mandarin, talking to 2 other guys.
2) in the background seated at a table beside the stage with back facing cam as "son" talks on hp to his wife.
3) Being thrown across the screen into a metal flower stand by Lim Kay Tong as he stumbles into his "son's" wedding uninvited.
4) In the background as KT gets dragged out of the ballroom - whining.

Clubbing Scene
1) Breakdance sequence, in background cheering breakdancing duo, disturbing Mango.
2) Sitting at corridor with Willy n Mango as the camera makes an establishing shot of En Lounge.
3) Staring irritatedly at KT as he toasts the entire club (had to keep only my eyes in sight as director Gjinn feared I'd be recognised)
4) Whispering to Mango after KT pukes and passes out on table.
5) Background of the club having drunken conversation with Australian extra (who wants to be a pilot) while KT and Selvaraja are talking on dance floor
6) stumbling thru' dance floor with said Aussie in tow during KT/Selvaraja conversation
7) Sitting in far distance as Mai turns around after being called by KT


*Refer to Thurs Sept 25th post for an excerpt of MaNgO's blog on this.

"Spank Me"
Boat Quay was once a place where many in Singapore thronged to - to drink, to dance, to party - to have fun. Of late, it has become kinda quieter, with more dime a dozen start-up pubs tht dun last more than half a year. Despite this, there's a little gem of a place somewhere in the middle called "BQ Bar". And it was HOT!
I got there abt 1:30am, and it was packed! there was a hen-nite going on, and at any one time, there were at least 2 ladies dancing on the bar-counter. One of them kept lifting up her skirt to brandish black undies with the words "Spank Me" printed on her bum. There were guys with huge fake afros dancing around and acting stupid, and there was us. The DJ went thru so many different genres of music, but eventually settled on some great R&B. So we danced all the way till the pub closed and carried on even then behind the closed doors while the staff started clearing up. =) tht was 4:30am.

The merits of bar-top dancing:
I'm so glad tht Singapore legalised bar-top dancing - it is really quite harmless, and I dun understand what they were worried abt when they were deliberating upon this issue. Of course I'd prefer it if they kept women up there instead of allowing some drunken men who can't dance to climb up. Women just have to gyrate abit, sway their hips, and TADAH! you've got an audience! Its great spectator-sport, and now, one can simply watch these babes strut their stuff while having your quiet moment at the bar. Men on the other hand just look embarrassing, and they're sure as hell NOT sexy (even tho they may think they look it)! And of course, there's nothing like having 2 women do some dirty-dancing while they're up there..

Women and dancing:
Where do they learn to move like that!? Some women just have the moves and the grooves to drive men nuts! correct me if I'm wrong, but I dun think they actually practice in front of the mirror.. so how do they noe how to move the way they do!? Perhaps its in the music - something abt R&B getting into your soul, and moving u in the most natural way.. we're talking guttural cavemen here - perhaps it evolved from some primate mating rituals?
Would u say I'm a voyeur if I love watching certain women dance? Mike mentioned tht - not tht I mind it, but I just never saw it tht way. I din think you'd actually term it voyeurism if everyone was doing it. It'd be more an expected reaction. I'd call it deviant behaviour only if its a little out of tune with what other ppl would do. If there was a really hot lady dancing in front of you (and dun tell me she doesn't want the attention!), wouldn't you look? It brought back images of the sweetest gal i noe dancing.. 8D~~ hmm..

I started a questionnaire just, and I found tht I couldn't even get past the first question.

Which statement - (a) or (b) - **BEST** describes you?
(a) Sociable, outgoing, animated, expressive, acts before thinks.
(b) Private, reserved, thoughtful, thinks before acts.

I believe I embody both aspects a lot, in the way I am to ppl. I cannot comprehend why i behave in such a way, but I just do sometimes. I am not schizoid, mebbe its just a moody thing. In any case, a questionnaire that cannot take this into account will ultimately be a highly-inaccurate one. *end of questionnaire*

"do u really think I'm tht shallow?"
I have a bone to pick, but I dunno who to pick it with. I like looking at beautiful ppl. They're gorgeous, pleasing on the eye, and offer a possibility of something better. However, line up a tall, broad-shouldered, chisel-jawed hunk beside me, and in comparison, I look almost sub-human! I like having my ego bruised and battered too. Lucky there aren't tht many of these arnd.
I dun believe the crap ppl say abt how having a sense of humour, heart of gold, and other politically correct terms are what they're looking for when from obvious observation, we noe its all bullshit. they just dun want to sound shallow.
"do you really think I'm tht shallow?" well, yea. if a kid in primary one (supposed innocence) can make someone feel totally alienated by acting totally irked at being so close to him, then yes, no one else is spared.
I have seen many ppl whom we think as totally sane go and get hooked up with ppl we have little respect for, or we find are total sleaze bags. and then they will spout all the good character traits of tht person. When a breakup eventually happens, we start to hear of all his failings (some of which we of course noticed long ago, but seemed to have been unimportant then). As my favourite quote-worthy person, Blaise Pascal said -
"The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing".
I'm sorry, but I think the whole world is shallow..


The following are lyrics of a song tht my talented teenage cousin, Dwight Tay, wrote and sang for at an event. The first time I heard it, I realised tht my cousin isn't all tht different from me. We've both been thru' this feeling. we noe it by heart. I fell in love with this song, and the way he sang it, and I hope to share tht with u soon.

Ordeal

So i put on my mask again,
to survive another day,
and just to cover up the pain.
the mask shoves it all away,
and everything inside of me,
just feels so bad (as though im going mad..),
and everything that i ever held so close to,
just really feels so empty..

why do i have emotions,
why is this all that i can feel,
i really have no ill intentions,
i just want this to heal.

the day is over;
successful cover,
but i dont know if i can survive tomorrow.
Now i just lie in my room,
find bliss in the gloom,
and i look at the wall,
see all the dry stains,
guess i'll have to open my wounds again.

and someday he will come and take me,
take me away.

He is more than my emotions,
he is beyond what i can feel,
and the state of depression,
i know someday it will heal.

~Dwight Tay